Sometimes you feel like a nut. You are probably right.

Possible Reboot

2010-09-08T23:44:00.001-05:00

So, I am thinking of doing a bit of a "reboot" with my blog. I am hoping to update more often again and all that jazz, but I suspect there is only a half handful of people who ever check my blog anymore.

Anyway, things may start heating up soonish, assuming I can get anything that resembles a reliable internet connection.

Random Mew tunes

2010-01-26T02:27:00.004-06:00

I have been listening to Mew rather obsessively. Here are some videos of a few favorites of their newest album. Hawaii (final video) is my favorite at the moment I think.

Poop! So much Poop!

2010-01-25T15:04:00.003-06:00

This is a post about dogs.

Mel got a ridiculously awesome and cute puppy (made by Sam and Chloe) she has named Osiris. Go to her facebook for pictures if you haven't already. Cuz he is pretty awesome. And we suspect he is going to be pretty big, about Sam's size rather than Chloe's.

My dog Sam has started training/obedience classes. We are only about two weeks in, but so far he is doing well. He can heel and sit mostly on command now, which is WAY more than he did before his first classes. Mostly the classes teach me how to train Sam, and then I work with him in the week between classes on learning whatever obedience skill we learned. Its kinda fun and has lent itself to me and Sam spending lots of quality time together. Fun stuff.

I also have been told (repeatedly) that Sam may actually be an Australian Shepard Border Collie mix. Which is interesting, and explains things like why the puppies he and Chloe had turned out so Beagle like, and why he is longer and leaner than a lot of purebred Aussies. His fur is a little different, less puffy, than many Aussies as well, so yah. I am fine with the possibility, since Border Collies are freaking geniuses. Our Trainer in dog class only half joked that Border Collies were smarter than most children... so... yah. :P

Well, I will stop talking about our dogs as though they are children. I don't wanna be "that guy" who can't seem to separate the two. It has been a lot of fun, especially once we embarked on the puppy adventure. I have cleaned up so much poop in the last few weeks that I hardly even think about it anymore.

and stuff.

Cheers.

I often wish I had an interesting accent.

2009-12-08T14:43:00.003-06:00

its time for an Oopdaht. Which is swedish chef for update.

Well then. I had a job, but kinda lost it because the painting company ran out of regular work for me. But I am working tomorrow, which hopefully means I will get called about occasional work. In the meantime I am getting ready to move to a new place and looking for work.

I should post a group pic of Chloe and Sam's puppies. Cuz they are super cute. And fun. And Mel is taking one. A little blue eyed, caramel colored bundle of softness. She named him Osiris because he looks kinda wise and contemplative, much like an ancient Egyptian god might be like.

I have been listening to a WHOLE lot of Mew and Royksopp lately. Mew has a new album (I think it dropped in August... but that may have just been in Europe) called "No More Stories Are Told Today I'm Sorry They Washed Away // No More Stories The World Is Grey I'm Tired Let's Wash Away". Its a slightly verbose title perhaps, but it contains some fantastic music. Just search for Repeaterbeater, Introducing Palace Players or Hawaii by Mew on Youtube and enjoy. And Royksopp is just generally some of my favorite electronic music out there. Its always got a strange, haunting sense of joy to it.

I also decided that, despite rather enjoying techno and electronic music in general, I can't get into trance. For no other reason than, while I listen to it, I keep having cool base lines and melodies play in my head that would sound neat... and the artist in question doesn't capitalize on it... just keeps the same loop going. I guess folks on E don't really care that much.

Well, I am really looking forward to heading to Sioux Center for Christmas and seeing friends and family again. Because you are all missed.

Cheers.
-Paul

Pictures De Sam

2009-10-16T15:38:00.004-05:00

These are my dog Sam. Or as we have renamed him, Samson. He's chillin with his playmate Cloe, or however the crap you spell that. Enjoy!

Boogers

2009-09-24T13:36:00.003-05:00

Fall has come to Idaho.

Its been rather nice, cool breezes, chilly nights that require blankets and pjs, that sort of thing. I rather like the change in weather (though from what I hear we are supposed to get into the 90s again today).

My dog got fixed. Hopefully he stops roaming around Mel's neighborhood when out of the kennel. Cuz he like to run about, which is understandable, so I feel bad that he is stuck in a kennel most of the day.

I should post pictures of my dog.

Me and Mel have been dating for 18 months! Holy poop! Good times, but they sure flew by it seems.

Still nothing on jobs, a few more apps in and a few more to write. So it goes.

cheers

Resume' Resume' why are you so annoying.

2009-08-30T15:56:00.002-05:00

There are few things in life I loath more than applying for jobs. The forms to fill out, the fact that you end up memorizing the address of the grocery store you worked at in high school so you don't have to look it up anymore, and most of all filling out job histories. I hate that so much.

I borrowed a resume' layout from my sister... who got it from my sister in law. I looked it over and started plugging in my info and, upon reaching the education section, realized I have no idea what my GPA at Dordt was. 3.5ish... I guess... I don't even know where I can find that kind of information now that I have been out of school for a while.

Also, its irritating that I can't make a very good catch all resume. I mean, no library cares that I can weld. No contractor cares that I was part of student council and a research assistant. No grocery store cares that I can do basic guitar setup and electronic repair. Etc etc. I almost have too many little skills... so much so that I don't think most of them belong on a resume to an awful lot of places. *sigh* If only I could go to some shop or something and be like "hey, you sell guitars, I play guitars, heck I can fix guitars, wanna hire me!?" and they would be all like "yup" and I'd be set.

Recessions are stupid. I am gonna punch John Locke in the nose.

Another long hiatus and out of the blue post

2009-08-20T01:01:00.002-05:00

Hey anyone left reading the ol blog. It has been too long, and if anyone felt like they were missing out or something, sorry and you need more interesting hobbies than following my life by way of the internet.

Things have changed a lot. I moved to Idaho at the end of June/begining of July with plans for grad school in the future (hopefully next year) and to continue developing my relationship with my fantastic girlfriend. So, that is really the big new is my life, I am not in Iowa any longer.

There have been some fun trips to various Idaho sights already. Also, a jaunt out to Ontario for Melissa to meet a chunk of my extended family. So thats been good.

Being out of work and watching my savings dwindle away has been pretty stressful. Thankfully I am helping a friend (who I am staying with until I have the money to get a place of my own) with a project which has lasted a little while. Plus I have learned some new skills, which is always fun.

So, I randomly felt inspired to write again, not sure if I will keep it up or if anyone pays attention enough to read it even, but if so cheers, if not, whatever. Blogging seems 90% the joy of writing nothings to the anonymous internet.

Ku Ku Ka Chu

Another video

2009-02-01T01:28:00.001-06:00

So, I have been hoping for a good live performance of this song essentially since the album came out. Those Thieving Birds Part 1/ Strange Behavior/ Those Thieving Birds Part 2 off of Young Modern. Silverchair, naturally.

Also, life is good. I got into a car accident with the work truck. Wasn't my fault, and seems that its being figured out. Still, stressful. Anyhow, here is the video. Cheers

I feel so lost sometimes

2009-01-01T22:33:00.003-06:00

I have been addicted to this song ever since I heard it a few days ago at work. Peter Gabriel is a stallion. It seems to encompass so much of what of what I feel at the moment, not just the well known "in your eyes" chorus. The lyrics strike me of exhaustion and hope in the same breath. Its pretty impressive that someone could capture that in song. Plus I am a sucker for some African riffing.

Happy new year and the like, lets hope its at least as good as the past one. Cheers.

ONE BILLION YEARS LATER

2008-12-25T19:04:00.002-06:00

Hey loyal readers... if you are still alive. Sorry for the complete lack of content in the last several months... frankly there is not all that much blog worthy stuff in my life right now. But here are some tidbits.

I am once again figuring out how to play music. I actually wrote a fun guitar riff for the band Walhof and I are hoping to start performing as. At the moment it is just us two, under the moniker "Run Rabbit Run". Drum and down-tuned guitar. I have no idea if people would like whatever we end up producing (we are still working on that practice thing) but I sure miss performing.

It is Christmas and as with every Christmas I use half my brain to be glad that long lost friends and far away relatives are around again. The other have is busy missing the people who aren't around, for whatever reason. I am terrible at not finding special occasions bittersweet. But there always seems to be someone missing at some point.

I have thought a lot about life in the last months, especially while trying to support friends in their struggles. I have determined that, for whatever reason (I credit the fallenness of creation usually) life can be great, but there is something always missing. Right now, life is grand for me. I am with a wonderful girl, I have enough friends around that I don't feel alone. But work is work. It isn't what I want to be doing, it is what I am able to do to provide for myself. And that sense of my inability to fulfill what I feel God has called me to be pursuing has been draining on me at times. So even when life is stable and drama free, it remains imperfect. Just what has been on my mind off and on.

Well, I hope some folks notice I wrote again, and hope to update this ol' blog a little more regularly, though it may be with less drama and soul baring that I have previously done... because there isn't much to bare my soul about right now.

cheers, Merry Christmas

Sup Peeps

2008-09-30T20:55:00.002-05:00

So, life is kinda boring for me. The steady job and pleasantly stable relationship have meant that I have very little to complain about... so there have been very few inspirations to blog.

So this update is mostly just a "stuff and things" update.

Turns out a hammer is one of the best plumbing tools ever... and digging in basements is hard when there is a foot of water to dig under. However, the frantic-ness of summer building has cooled down a little, so work has continued to become a rewarding time for me. Which is good, because I spend 50 hours of my week there. So, yaaaaarr.

I am missing being in a band. Thankfully, I have my little Peavey running again, and have been writing all sorts of silly tunes in the basement. Thankfully D. doesn't mind that my rehearsal space is attached to her room. For the moment, the band I had hoped to pursue for the year doesn't seem to be getting off the ground, due to being busy and lack of effort to force it to work. That's life though I suppose.

My laptop is awesome. I like it. It works well, and fills pretty much all my needs. And, thanks to some timely opportunities to make some cash on the side, it hasn't been to expensive to become once again part of the internet generation.

Mmmmmmh. Politics is hilarious to me... I can't even express the degree to which this is the case, but I can assure you that it is only because if politics weren't funny, they would be really really sad. *shrug* coping I guess.

Well, off to play some tunes a while, before my housemate wants to use her room for something important.

cheers.

Veedeo

2008-09-22T21:48:00.002-05:00

One reason I still love the ol' chair

someday I might even write a real blog entry. For now, enjoy my musical taste... ENJOY IT DAMN IT!!!!

Eple by Royksopp

2008-08-01T20:39:00.002-05:00

Hello all. As you may have noticed it has been a while. Here are some highlights you may have missed.

-chasing huge wasps with wasp spray
-making very tasty pork chops with Walhof
-heat-related vomiting
-lots of PVC glue fumes
-poking myself on all sorts of metallic HVAC parts
-still playing the occasional game of tennis
-hitting my thumb with a hammer

As you can see, life has been busy, but not exceptionally exciting at all. I like life this way though. Having a bit of a daily and weekly rhythm is very relaxing. And I like relaxing.

At the moment I am sort of out-of-house house sitting for my parents. Watering their flowers and new grass, making use of their computer and TV. Average stuff.

Um... yah. That is really all right now. I am excited for the end bits of August to come and for everyone to start returning. Until then I just keep working and hoping I can get enough to get a computer soon. Because using other people's all the time is just annoying.

Chow.

Hoe gaat het met kaas?

2008-07-18T17:25:00.002-05:00

Thats right, how is it going with cheese. Because I can. Take that!

Work has been good. Itchy (yay insulation!) but good. I work with some rough but cool guys, and I have already learned an awful lot. It has been nice to get out and be fairly physical and work hard, then come home and chill for a while (yay evenings!) and then sleep like a rock when I go to bed.

OJK is having their official final practice tonight. I am sad to see it (and Phil) go, but it was bound to happen, and now (then?) feels like as good a time as ever. I am going to miss making music with those dudes though. I have already informed each of them that I will steal them for any sort of side project or recording hobby I develop. On the other hand, I am hoping to kick off Avian Native when school rolls around again, so heres hoping that goes well. If all else fails (because bands are fun) I hope to do some solo looping stuff, and maybe some techno-ish things... once I get a functioning computer of course.

I am wearing pants with large holes near the pockets. I kinda hope my underpants show while I play... but they probably won't. Which will probably be better for all involved. I have missed having people to make feel awkward, so I think I may overdo it a little when folks are around again.

Ok, cheers, off to pick up my amp for tonight!

I am the busy,and the sore

2008-07-14T18:13:00.002-05:00

I have a job. I am learning to plumb. Like, a plumber. But I don't want to say I am a plumber till I actually know what I am doing. Which is not yet. It is hard, complicated, patience testing work at times. So far I dig it. So, yah... thats about it. I might cut my hair...but I have been saying that forever.

Everywhere I go, there is always something to remind me

2008-07-02T11:37:00.002-05:00

I have two interviews today. I am a little nervous about them, since they are both jobs I am pretty interested in, and I need work as soon as bloody possible. Combine that with the fact that I have had time to dwell on every insignificant thing in my life (yay no work...) and the fact that I have been trying REALLY hard to not miss phone calls (I already missed one from Mel... who is in Europe... and rarely gets a chance to call). Suffice to say, I am a bit of a jumpy, nervous wreck today. I don't really know why. I have had it once or twice other times during the summer too. I think it is partially the distance of people and the increadible amout of free time on my hands.

Anyhoo, I just figured I would write about it. And then listen to some Royksopp. And maybe do an awkward in-chair dance while I continue trolling the internet.

Cheers

It is hard to update when nothing happens

2008-06-25T21:17:00.002-05:00

Hey folks. Here are some things that have happened as of late... none of which are mindblowinly huge news, but it confirms that I do, indeed, still exist.

I have another interview. I am rather excited. I will probably wear a tie and nice pants.

I really have to do my laundry... still.

I have seen Get Smart twice, and it was funny both times. Yay!

I have continued to write music.

I am still poor.

My computer is still broken, so I am still stealing Phil's for email and such.

We used our air conditioning for the first time this summer today. It worked. Good and good.

I am considering cutting my hair quite short again.

It has been hot, but not unbearably, because I purchased a small but powerful fan for my room.

My room, now that you mention it, is a bit untidy. Not disaster mode quite yet. But, when I get the motivation to do so, I shall be cleaning it good and proper.

Um... That is all for now. Summer continues, and hopefully continues with some degree of speed. Yaar. Prayers for my job situation are coveted.

Cheers

Mag ik un lapel?

2008-06-19T13:36:00.002-05:00

Well, that last post was kinda depressing. Depressing posts are boring and no fun at all. So it is time for a random list post, because they are neato!

-I have been writing some more songs, and I really like them and hope that Avian Native works out this coming year so that they can be performed.

-I am going to start a big of an excersize regime shortly here. Some basic body weight strength training, some biking, maybe some yoga or something if I can find a reliable source for it.

-I miss my girlfriend, but am excited that she is having such a good time already!

-I have yet to camp this summer. I want to camp. Maybe I will just set up a tent in my back yard and start a fire in our giant compost heap of a former garden. Or maybe I will just go camping for realz.

-Having my computer broken has meant I have played almost no WoW for that last month or so. I am just fine with that, which is good because it shows that I am not addicted. I do miss talking with the cool people in my guild though. E-friends are a strange thing.

-I have an interview today. That is exciting, partially because I am forcing it to be exciting, and partially because I need money. Point being, some of my (admittedly short lived and very recent) hard work is finally paying off.

-I haven't slept past noon in close to a month... well, maybe once while vacationing in Idaho. Besides that I get up pretty close to on time. Normal people hours are neat!

-I like watching movies. I have done it many times already this summer. Partially because despite my job search, I still end up with a plethora of free time. Some movies have been suprisingly good, others have been dissipointing. Such is life. The main point here being I wanna go watch Get Smart.

Well, that was refreshing and fun! We should do it again sometime.

Cheers

When it rains, it never rains the rain you wanted

2008-06-18T11:28:00.003-05:00

So right now my situation kinda sucks. I am essentially broke, and have been out of work for close to a month now. I have spent the last few days feverishly pursuing a few job possibilities. And, of course, I get a call about one this morning... and interview for the one that I wanted least... and really just kinda applied for because it was one more application. I am not sure what to do about it. It could very well be a wonderful and fulfilling job, and all that sort of thing. I was hoping much more for another job in particular, one that I won't hear anything about (in all likelyhood) untill after the 20th... if at all.

ugh.

In the meantime, life is slow around Sioux Center. There is plenty of sitting outside, and I have begun to rise rather early, since there is no reason to stay up late anymore... there is rarely anything worth staying up for, especially since my late night phone calls will be suspended for a while. Not that this is at all a bad thing. I frankly needed to get my sleep schedule back on something kinda normal. And I don't have the money to be some kind of party animal even if I wanted to and there were parties available. It is merely frustrating that the summer has gone so fast when I was visiting elsewhere, and now goes so slow while I wait for answers and returns.

Meh, I will just go write some music or something. Or do another round of picking up job applications and consider my next move.

Gonna sell my car and go to Vegas

2008-06-12T17:33:00.002-05:00

I don't actually want to go to Vegas... ever again. Well, maybe someday, but not anytime soon. Some of the worst flying memories I now have occured in or near the friggen Vegas airport.

Anyhow, I am there and back again. Idaho was very fun, and I am very glad I went. I was less enthused about coming back. Real life always rushes back in so quickly after a wonderful time away. In other words I am flat broke and unemployed. Fuck.

So, there are now lots of things on my mind, most good, some bad. Happy memories, concerns, questions. It is really just life as usual. And it keeps going on even if we are away and wishing we didn't have to return.

I guess it is once again time to try and grab life and shake it, and hope the things I need fall out without too much pain.

Lumina might be the most beautiful name for a car

2008-06-02T13:34:00.002-05:00

I have been trying to continue the development of my artistic side. I have been drawing a lot more, and even writing a story. Probably a short story. I don't really know what it is about yet. But that is ok. And so not the point. I am just getting sick of only worrying about things. So I am gonna use my brain elsewhere, and let the worries float on by.

I have also been trying to write some good songs for Pepe... and Avian Native. The only problem is they are so varied that any of them could be used for either band. Such unexpected difficulties.

I go to Idaho in two days. Today and Tuesday need to go by nice and fast.

Word
Cheers

Still no computron

2008-05-30T13:37:00.002-05:00

Greetings readers

My computer is still broken and unreplaced. And Phil is back, so his computer isn't available at my every whim. Thats ok though. Less tech to get reliant on.

I leave for Idaho in less than a week. WOOOOO!

I have had a run of interviews for a job. I am supposed to hear around Monday. Hopefully I get it... because I need money. Yup. Friggen money, ruling our lives.

It is interesting how so many people go to college to figure out how they can make money, and then justify that by saying they will praise God with that talent. It makes me think that we live to make money and not to praise God. But it is awfully hard to live at all if you don't focus on making money. Kinda frustrating.

Pepe and the Clever Monikers is getting revived by me... and Andrew and Phil. So we can make crazy looping guitar/organ techno/electronica/rock. Hopefully I get a fuctional computer and the necessary equiptment in time to get an album down. YAY!

People just seem so far away some times.

I am hungry. Off to find some lunch!!

Cheers

Sidenote

2008-05-26T02:53:00.002-05:00

I have been listening to a lot of Imogen Heap and Daft Punk, and really want to do some electronic synth/drum and bass/electronica music for a while. Sadly, I lack pretty much all the equiptment necessary to do that. So... we will see where that gets me.

Summer continues to develop

2008-05-25T21:59:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day I would consider summer. Not for any special reason besides that we had low 80s temperatures and it was wonderfully sunny. I spent a suprising portion of the afternoon napping contently with sun streaming through my blinds. And later I spent most of the evening sitting contently with Walhof sipping beverages and talking about all sorts of things. It was a wonderful lazy summer Sunday.

After getting bored and hungry while watching Spanglish with the commentary on, I decided I should cook my own food more often. So, feeling the urge for a sandwich, I picked up some meat and fancy french bread (with poppy seeds on it!) and added some very tasty gouda (a gift, a tasty gift at that) and some red onions. A little honey mustard and a little time on the george foreman grill and I had a very tasty late supper. I think Alvin's blog about preparing ribs eclipses my own culinary exploits, but it was tasty and probably much healthier than getting another fast food meal. Something about my urge to live healthier made that satisfying.

I have a job interview, which is rather exciting. My stored away cash has only lasted so long, and that partially due to not really eating as often as I should. Much less as healthily as I should. So the potential for a steady income again is pretty exciting, and the concreteness of the situation makes it encouraging for the job hunt if I don't get this position.

People being gone sucks. All the people you live with being gone sucks even more, since it puctuates the fact that so many other people are gone. Admittedly, I have felt a little lonely for the last few days. Its nice to have Walhof back, and it will be nice to have Phil back when he returns. It will be even nicer to go visit people in a little less than a week and a half. Though then I will be the one gone and leaving people lonely in my wake... perhaps.

I should brush up on my dutch.

Our house is being ravaged by ants, despite the plethora of ant traps that I have set out for them. It might soon by time to take more drastic measures. Not before I clean up and see if that helps... our kitchen is a bit of a disaster right now.

Well, hopefully all of your respective summers are full of pleasant and inspiring weather, like I have experienced today.

cheers

I have comendeered Phil's computer.

2008-05-22T15:25:00.002-05:00

Phil is gone. I am using his computer. Don't worry Phil, I promise not to load your computer full of gay porn.

I have kinda halfway fixed my computer. And by that I mean it now only suffers from the problem that initially made it broken, rather than the addition of the problems I caused by trying to fix it. I have yet to declare this a victory of any sort. Cuz my computer still doesn't work at all... so... yah.

Job searching is hard. It is hard to motivate myself to do it, to know where to go, to convince myself that making an effort will actually make a difference. In all reality I need a job, especially if I want to replace my busted compy anytime soon. So, yah. Gird up the loins and all that.

Well, I have to pee and I bought some new underpants so I am gonna shower (which I need to do anyhow) and try them out afterwards. I wonder if there is any process to trying out new underpants, save wearing them for the first time. I don't think I want to think about that one too much.

Till next time, or till I buy a new computer and write a victory blog IN ALL CAPS!!!

Technology!!!!! shakes fist

2008-05-21T14:19:00.001-05:00

So, after gently cleaning it out and moving it to my new room, my computer has broken. My first instinct was to beat it up with a bat and go buy a new one. Thankfully I did not do that at all. Though it may come to buying a new one and trying to salvage the information on the harddrives of the now inoperative one.

so, I am not sure how long my till now useless dordt login is gonna survive. I may be rather internet-absent for a while. Which is ok, save the lack of communication with potental employers.

cheers

It has been at least several moments

2008-05-20T02:02:00.002-05:00

I realize it has been a little while so here are some perhaps only semi-interesting fun facts and updates.

-I am done at Niessink. I have no replacement job yet. That is mildly stressful, but I hope to work hard and find something soon, maybe before I...

-go to Idaho. I am going to visit Mel/Josh and Amanda and just get outa town for a while. It has been too long since I vacated. I am pretty excited to have plans finally set in stone and all those sorts of things.

-I am switching room in the house. Kris has moved out and is preparing a place for his bride and him. Thats nice, and I am excited for them, even though I will miss having Kris around. It is a nice room, with more windows and more room than my current one. At present my stuff is sort of in limbo spread between the two rooms, though I have been careful to not leave things in the hallway.

-I am finally doing my laundry. It REALLY needed to be done.

-OJK is planning a little sendoff practice for ourselves. We talked quite a while about the whole experience and want to end the run of OJK with a memorable time together that will include some closure. It will be bittersweet, I am sure. Perhaps more bitter than sweet.

Those are the general happenings that stick in my mind right now. And in the interest of trying to get on a semi-reasonable sleep schedule, I will not attempt to conjure up any more. Happy summer!

Some things that are probably irrelivant

2008-05-15T18:52:00.002-05:00

I have had a pretty impressively sustained headache since about tuesday. I keep thinking of things that might fix this, but so far nothing has worked. Maybe I will break down and take some sort of medicine and see if that works.

I am quite tired today, because I didn't not sleep well last night. This probably comes on the wings of my developing cold/throat throuble/whatever the deal is. Anyhow, I am quite tired. The cow helps (mildly inside referance). Maybe I will remake my bed before going to sleep tomorrow, so it is nice and fresh and new feeling. I think that would be nice.

I talked about steak with Mel last night. Now I want a steak. It really just struck me right now. *chinstroke*

I watched Dan in Real Life. I am still on the fence. The acting was decent, the story was farely well developed, Steve Carrel was funny. Still, it left be quite unsatisfied. Not sure what was missing. I would say it was good, but not great.

Well, those are some thoughts for now. My head hurts still. Off to keep working!

Sha na na na na naaaaa

2008-05-14T22:11:00.002-05:00

It was a very nice day today, weather wise. I really enjoyed the warmth and sun. I overdressed. In no way did a need the sweater/jacket that I wore. That was a wonderful thing. Granted, the smell of manure now clings to everything because the once soaked poop is now warming up. But such is the trade off of warm weather in Iowa.

After several conversations with my dad about what sorts of jobs I should be pursuing, I am sort of excited to potentially be working at something at least vaguely related to my interests. That will make work much more appealing I suspect. Provided I can indeed find some sort of job that me and my dad discussed. That is sorta a big part of it I suppose.

I should bike more often. I took a bikeride today (granted the bike was very badly set up for a person my size) and was/am quite sore and tired from the whole ordeal. It was fun though. When I start having some consistantly open evenings and some reliably appropriate weather, I think I will service the good ole' bike cycle and taker her for a spin more regularly.

I am perhaps inappropriately excited that tomorrow is my final day working my current job. I am quite definatly past the point of my patience right now. So that should be good. Jobs... and stuff...

I might be getting a cold. That or I need to avoid smokey bars. But nowhere else serves White Russians for the same price and that taste as yummy. I like White Russians quite a lot. Really, I should just get the supplies to make my own, so that I don't need to go to the bar to get one. But I also like visiting with people at the bar, so I will probably still go on occation.

I continue to try and look forward to the adventures and new experiences that this summer will hold. I am hoping they are good, and that they help pass the months until all the people I am missing return. Indeed.

Seems like more endings than beginnings

2008-05-11T14:39:00.003-05:00

"Summer" is here. Or so I am told. The rediculous wind and low temperatures and life-stealing rain of yesterday seem to tell me otherwise. Right now, as the break begins, I am stuck on the endings. The things beginings are harder to see. Ends of college for so many people. Ends of a job I barely have the mental strength to even float along in, and I am seriously considering leaving without giving a shit what the results of that will be. End of the time I so enjoyed spending with so many people. Its sort of depressing really.

I say it is hard to see the new beginings that come with these ends. Part of this because I got a letter from the place where my friend assured me he could get me a job. They hired someone else. No job for me. It makes life pretty stressful. The next little step seems untakable sometimes. Stress is an excellent blinder, and gets us focused on one thing, while the rest of life seems to wiz by us. And it is only the wizzing, the shreiking at times, of these important unoticed details that makes us turn our heads and realize how much more is out there.

I talked with my dad today at some length about jobs. Where should I look, what am I interested in, what are my future intentions for life etc. I think it began to break down my "blinders". A little perspective on loan from a parent is a suprisingly good way to see the world more clearly, more colorfully, more fully. And recognize that the world is indeed full. That was a pretty good conversation, to say the least.

I have gained another crack in my windsheild. I was driving back from dropping Mel off at the airport, feeling a little sorry for myself as I am occationally know to do. As I sped along the interstate a muddy pickup just ahead of me felt it necessary to sent a good sized rock my direction, producing an impresive "Snap-Crack" as it struck and chipped my windsheild. I was rather irritated by this. I may have sworn.

I am hoping I can at least arrange to be on the slightly easier side at work. I am not sure I can handle much else. Hopefully this blog wasn't to depressing. I am less sad (though I am bummed and missing people) and more exhausted with things.

Cheers

Gross

2008-05-08T06:52:00.002-05:00

My brain is all melty feeling. I wonder how this will impact my day. Hopefully well. Perhaps it will allow me to drift through the day in awkward and oblivious nirvana. Or perhaps it will make everything more difficult and frusterating. I am sort of excited to figure out which it will be. And also dreading it, in case it goes sour. I feel like my own yin and yang.

Argyle sock, dark chocolate, made beds and the hamster dance song. These thing made my night last night. Yay!

Ever wonder what color affection is? Or hope? Or kindness? Or patience? I bet when they all crash into each other they make a pretty cool collage of color. Or colour. Yay!

I am trying to force positivity, cuz my head hurts and I don't want to be hear. Defeat of my self-defeating-ness? Epic friends, epic.

I have been listening to a lot of Daft Punk lately. I like the video for Around the World. YouTube it and chuckle/groove along. For it will shatter the fragile remnants of your worldview which declares techno and electronica crappy. And the pieces shall build a new frame, where your groove thing has been restored.

I want some pizza. I am going to see if there is any left from a few suppers ago. Probably not. But its worth the effort, if you ask me.

I write because I do not like my job

2008-05-07T14:39:00.003-05:00

I am tired. Not really a "sleepy" tire... well, also a sleepy tired. But more so a tired that comes from being exhausted when I realize that I will be exhausted by my job. That is getting to be a pretty old feeling. Like, maybe I will just drive home right now and say screw this job right now. Ugh.

I don't want people to leave.

I really did have some important and deep subject which I was going to blog about. I completely forget it. Wait, no, it was human sexuality. But I am not going to bother that one when I am in a mood similar to this. Lemmie wake up and maybe cheer up a touch.

I took a very nice walk last night. Wet feet were involved, as were good laughs, fun conversation and generally awesomeness. And the word bulbus. It was very good. I hope to experience them more often. Coulda used some dry socks though.

I really enjoy the smell of rain. I think I might have already mentioned that lately. But its true. And the way that rain makes the grass a fantastic shade of green. And the beauty of a well timed sunset while the clouds roll away.

I think, whenever it is that I move away from Sioux Center, I will really miss my parents.

Well, Thats probably enough for now.

This Blog's for you.

2008-05-06T06:49:00.003-05:00

I checked the forcast for today and nearly pooped when it turned out to be a predicted high of almost 80*. That is fantastic. I am really rather jazzed for summer weather. Early summer weather. Before it gets oppressivly hot. It was all thundery and lightningy last night. That was pretty neet too.

Though I am excited for the summer weather, I struggle to be excited for summer. Mel will be gone. Many other people will be gone. Summer no longer implies vacation, but rather will contain either more work or massive panic about my finances. Yes, it will be nice to get away when I take some time off, very nice in fact. It will be warm and hopefully refreshing. I will be able to bike many places. Maybe I will even finally take up jogging like I keep meaning to. Summer won't be horrid, just holds much less appeal than it did when I was little.

Coffee, on the other hand. Now that is appealing.

Despite my love for coffee (and Mt. Dew) I should really drink more water.

I made a peanut butter and brown sugar sandwich this morning. I used to make them all the time for school lunches. I wonder if my parents realized that. Because if I was a parent, I think I would protest to the combo. They are, however, just as tasty as I remember.

And so, I am off to consume some coffee.

Its sunny again

2008-05-03T08:11:00.003-05:00

Yesterday it rained pretty much all day. Some of you may have noticed that. I sort of enjoyed it, though it got a little cool towards the end of the day. Point being, it helped me enjoy spring further, if in a new way. Previous I just sat inside at work wishing I could not be at work, but rather be enjoying the sunshine. Watching the rain and letting myself get a little damp brought that fresh damp earth smell out. Its another part of spring I really enjoy.

Speaking of being stuck at work, I am. I wonder what would happen if I just annouced I was going home, and started walking. More than likely some pissed off co-workers and some issues with the higher ups. Three weeks is way too long. I am barely making it ten days. At least the tunnel has light at the end now, which makes working where I do a lot less depressing. I am really hoping our young men decide to sleep really late. Enough work complaints though.

I have determined I do not excersize nearly enough. I am not too sure what I am going to do to remedy this. Perhaps run and lift heavy things... perhaps find something sorta bag-shaped to pummel. Or just take up an extreme sport maybe. Whatever.

Don't eat imitation crab legs late at night. Ooof, says my tummy.

There really isn't anything better than late night conversations and storytelling with people you care about. However, I should learn to enjoy these things in moderation, and perhaps not the night/morning before having to work nice and early. But the real point is last night was lots of fun, and that was needed.

I was going to try and come up with more positive things to talk about here. But between work, my mild exhaustion (my own fault) and the fact that many of the people who I have most enjoyed spending my time with over the last school year are taking off far too soon, I am in a bit of a bummed mood right now.

I think I would like to live my life a little more intentionally. Less letting things happen to me, more taking the initiative and making things happen, more take chargeness. I have no idea what form that would take, but it seems like a worth while goal. Even better would be to trust that God has given me the wisdom to act on the things I think are important. I sometimes forget that he does that. Here's hoping (for now) that its the case at the moment.

Uh... that cloud is spinning.

2008-05-02T06:53:00.002-05:00

We had some tornadic weather last night. Nothing in sioux center, but plenty surrounding us. It was weird to watch clounds that were going 4 different directions pass overhead. *shrug* Welcome to Iowa and all that.

I am tired. I think I am going to make some coffee. That sounds quite tasty to me at the moment.

I have an ever growing appreciation for M.A.S.H. the T.V. show. I used to sort of dislike it... mostly because I never watched it but knew I hated the intro music. Sharp wit and biting sarcasm can't really help but be funny.

Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much.

My beard is getting rather long... and potentially scraggily. I should probably trim it up whil I continue with my job hunt. There are some interesting options to apply for, so that is nice. Hopefully I can find something without much trouble... because I don't have enough money to have trouble finding a job.

Well, that coffee isn't going to make itself.

Its sunny... I am at work... fudgemonkeys

2008-04-30T14:51:00.001-05:00

Last night I saw a racoon waddling around on 4th Ave. I thought to myself "thats a big racoon... its sorta coming my way... I hope it isn't rabid". So then I chased it down a sewer. It was a good choice.

I like that it is sunny today, but I wish I could go relax outside. Nope, I is at the work right now.

*sigh* thats all for now. I wanna read a long book. Random, I know.

Hmm and ho hums

2008-04-29T15:30:00.002-05:00

I got some new deoderant. I rather enjoy the scent. Generally that doesn't really matter to me, as long as it makes me less stinky. This stuff smells downright good.

I am sort of torn. I want time to move swiftly so I can be done with my current job and move on to whatever is next. I want time to stand still so people don't leave, either for the summer or perminantly. There are an awful lot of people that I don't want to leave. Thankfully a portion will be back next year, and a portion of my associates are still going to be around this summer. So that will hopefully make the summer bearable. I am not too worried about next year.

I am a little irritated with my last few weeks of work. The schedule in particular. I am still deciding if I want to raise ruckas about it. I probably won't, since it probably isn't worth my time, really.

Planning is something I am bad at. But I need to get on planning my various summertime excursions, since I hope to be making several of them quite early on in the "summer". Like before its technically summer. So in a few weeks. Yaaah.

I got my tax return. Hopefully I can use it some wise way, and not have to use it as emergency funding for my various monthly expenses. Thankfully I already have some job prospects to purse. I just have to get around to pursuing them.

The first of my two Econ papers has been returned. I got a B+, so that is sort of nice, considering how rushed it was. Admittedly I could have done much better if I would have managed my time more effectively. But still, it is nice to know my paper writing skills aren't completely gone.

Some time I should do a long discussion of some academic topic for a blog, just to challenge myself. Any suggestions? Keep in mind my specialties are politics and history. So, if you wanna be mean, pick something totally unrelated to that. GO. Or don't go... and just make me wait, and so forth.

Some day I hope to own a really kick pants dog of some sort.

Kudos to anyone who actually makes it through this rather boring blog. Good for you!

A minor confession

2008-04-28T14:26:00.003-05:00

I confess, I like Panic at the Disco. I liked the catchy tunes and dense mixes of their first CD, and that they had a pretty unique sound. Sure, they were like a pretty boy Hush Sound (though I don't really know who came out first).

I decided to purchase their newest effort. I am pretty impressed frankly. I am sure all you Iron and Wine loving indie kids are gonna turn up your noses, but at least give it a listen. It isn't emo. It isn't pop punk. It is close to Beatles Srgt. Pepper Era pop. I won't claim it is as good as the Beatles, because it isn't. At its best moments it doesn't sound anything like the Beatles, and at its worst it sounds like a very intentional ripoff.

I would describe this as being similar to Silverchair's Diorama. That is big, for me. The sounds are very different. But they have taken their earlier Emo-pop sound and turned it on its head, adding Pet Sounds-esque sound scapes and generally tossing the rules out the window. At one point there is a track that is positively baroque. Another is an almost Early Novermber-like alt-country tune. One sounds like new Orleans jazz. I merely ask that all you uber-cool nay sayers give it a listen before declaring it crap. And if you still think its crap after hearing it, then fine.

"Hey moon, don't you go down."

Green

2008-04-25T08:41:00.002-05:00

Its raining, which has made everything wonderfully green. Sure, its muddy, and a little cold. But the bursting of spring colors is more than enough to make up for that fact.

After much thought I put in my notice at Niessink. I just don't think it is a healthy place for me. I don't know if that is anything new, and I just realized it or if it has developed to that point over time. I am sort of relieved, despite my boss saying it broke her heart to know I was leaving. I think she understands though.

The school year is coming to a close. I don't yet know how I feel about that. I think I will miss people very much. There seems to be an awful lot of moving on and moving away happening this year, it seems like more than occurred last year. And I miss the people who moved on last year terribly sometimes. That and the fact that certain people quite special to me being away for several months has really made me miss people in advance, which is a weird feeling to have.

I hope I can find work somewhere calm and well paying soon.

I wrote a song that I really like to sing and play. That was nice, because it had been a while.

Taking a class while working full time has been startlingly hectic. But I don't regret it, I just regret my at times dismal attendance.

I think I will go play that song, and then do some catching up on sleep so I don't fall over.

Yaaaawn

2008-04-23T06:47:00.002-05:00

I am tired. I am pretty universally tired. I think I can pretty effectively blame work for that one. Anytime you leave work feeling absolutely drained and basically did nothing, you might just need a different job. Just sayin' s'all.

I have to get that paper done. At least I got a start on it this time. Last time at this point I was still attempting to motivate myself to actually give a mouse's behind.

Sometimes I wonder about the nature of people. I sometimes notice myself being ineffective at relating to others, or at realizing their perspective is different than my own. I just roll with what I experience and assume everyone is sort of a detail in that experience. And then I catch myself. And I try to see things from other's perspectives. I try and empathize, sympathize. Occationally it works. Sometimes I think I just convince myself it works. But every once in a while I try and look at the world (with the help of my mind's eye) as though I were actually someone else's experience and perspective. And most of the time I wish I was being nicer, or more understanding, or more patient. But I am, generally, out of patience. Most specifically at work. This mostly has to do with work.

I think it might be time to at least pay attention at work... so I will go do that now.

what wonderous wanderings and wonderings on waffels

2008-04-22T06:51:00.002-05:00

I like waffels. I am pretty sure my parents have a waffel iron someplace. We should have a waffel making and eating party some time. Like... sometime when everyone isn't going absolutely insain with the amound of work they have to do. I am even going a little batty, and I only have one class to worry about. Granted, I have a job too, but that is more of a time comittment then anything else.

Its been a month now. A good month. It seems like a quick month. Maybe the speeding up of my perception of time is a sign that I am too busy, or getting old. Ever notice that? The older I get, the faster time seems to move. I hate to think how much faster things will seem to go at 75 or something. Seems like I would miss something. But the real point here is it has been a month, and I still find myself smiling, like things are still dawning on me. Good stuff.

Things are still up in the air for summer, and therefore next schoolyear. Mostly work wise, though I need to get on planning my various vacationing and visiting plans. Out of prudence if nothing else.

I think I need to make a more concerted effort to get to bed on time. The last few mornings have been perilously close to silly, and generally quite labor intensive as far as motivating myself to get up, not sleep.

Yesterday I had dinner with Matt, Jana, and Mel. Me and Jana teamed up on chicken alfredo with peppers and red onions. I found it tasty, the company wonderful, and the conversation quite satisfying. It is sort of sad that I don't hang out with Matt and Jana regularly. They are literally right down the alley from me. Different schedules and busy lives I guess. More motivation to get a more regular schedule.

Well, the showers are running and I think its time to make some coffee. Peace out.

ooog

2008-04-18T06:35:00.003-05:00

Thats right, we have graduated from ugh to ooog.

I had a lot of work to get done yesterday, and it stressed me out to no end. School work and work stuff mostly. But now it is done and I can let that stress go. The problem is now I feel like crap. Like I never even slept. Sick, brain fried, sore. Just not good. Thankfully I have two shifts at work and a bunch of other stuff to get done. Oh, wait. Hey, at least it is payday.

Cryptosporideum. No, really. Check it. Word.

I have another paper to do yet for my class. I was dissipointed with myself yesterday when I realized that I had done the same old thing, procrastinating and leaving everything to the last minute, and then not doing a very good job and not finishing everything on time. Really it was rather sad. That just contributed to my stress. Yesterday sorta sucked, generally speaking.

I could really go for some corn pops this morning.

I distinctly remember spending the majority of a day crying about my lack of a particular dinosaur toy as a child. My job is that times eleventy.

I feel like a shell of a person this morning. My body will walk around but I am already mentally back in bed and therefore mentally drifting through la la land and thinking about more appealing things.

off I go, into the wild blue yonder.

Ugh

2008-04-17T15:31:00.001-05:00

Today ended up stressful. I hate stressful. Dumb collisions of everything on the same day. Oh well. *deep breath* on we go.

Uber Mega Ultra Platinum Plus

2008-04-16T08:46:00.002-05:00

It was warm yesterday. It is already starting to be rather warm today. I am pretty excited about the prospects of having spring weather finally. Better late then never and all that.

I am a bit stumped on what to do for the summer yet. I think I want to work a different job. I know I want to make a trip in a generally westerly direction, though I am not sure how long I can afford to be gone for. I am not positive I want to put up with being in Iowa, though I am running out of time to plan anything besides that. Questions just keep popping up, and I suck at planning, so not too many are getting answered. Thankfully I have developed my "horde all your cash and make sure you can pay for all your stuff" skills, so it might work out OK.

I did my taxes and am getting a pretty hefty return, which is awesome. I am trying to decide what to do with it. Pay off one of my loans from Dordt? Pay off my credit card completely? Get a computer because mine is unreliable and quite out of date? Just stick it in savings and let it accrue interest untill I really need it? I guess it depends on my financial needs when it finally ends up in the bank.

I f'd up one of the tubes in my nice little amp. I have no clue when I am going to be able to get a replacement, so for now I have no amp at my house (the tonemaster still mostly works, so if there would be a show or something, I would be just fine). It kinda bums me out, because it is nice to have a decent setup to write songs on/with/through.

I hate when I see people stressed or hurting or just feeling bad and I can't do anything to change it, to help. I guess besides being nice and trying to be supportive. But that doesn't change things right away, so I always wish I could go out and fix whatever the problem is. I hear that is a masculine trait, a man-ish approach to problems. And by hear I mean I have read in books. Point is I hate when I can't help in a concrete and visible way.

I cleaned up my room a bit. There is some more floor space, though it is still pretty limited, and I still have to vault over my bed to really get into the room. I sort of like tiny rooms, but when they get cluttered it is hard to move.

Lately I have been next to devoid of really deep thoughts. Hence the lack of daily (or even more often then that) entries in my blog. I am burnt out and tired I think, and when my brain doesn't have to do anything, I think I just shut it off. Which really hasn't helped me get my schoolwork finished very efficiently. I think I might end up in the computer lab most of the night tonight. Thankfully I only work tomorrow afternoon, so I might actually have a chance to recover from that.

Right-oh, off to get some things done.

Sunshine and windblown hillocks

2008-04-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

I spent a portion of my day laying in the grass on a little hillock in the sun. It was slightly chilly for moments, when the wind whistled under my coat and sweater, or blew on the backs of my ears. Most other times the sun dried ground provided springtime warmth, and greening grass provided an itchy, prickly pillow. For what could have been eons, spring was finally here, in the best of ways.

OJK played a show this weekend. It was lots of fun. The band had fun. The sort of fun you can have when you don't take things too seriously. Which made me realize we, as a band, have stopped taking our band seriously. I can't decide the sorts of feelings I have about this. At one point, I have loved playing music with these people for the last few years. On the other hand, OJK was already pronounced dead, we are just waiting for the papers at this point. Walhof is in Seattle all summer. Phil then goes to Washington permanently (well, as permanent as "home" ever is). Andrew has alternatives, I have some potential alternatives. We have been letting this band die all year, knowing it would and not really trying to keep it from fading away. Which I think is for the best. We have the same expectations. We all know this thing will be done soon enough. That is sad, but this past show made me suspect that we were all OK with it. Not happy, at least not me. But OK.

My room got cold. My hands are stiff. I think I will go grab my guitar stuff (still in my car, of course) and play some quiet tunes to limber them up again.

Ow, my face.

2008-04-10T17:05:00.002-05:00

I stepped outside of the campus center this afternoon after class and was suddenly stabbed by a billion little ice knives flying through the air and assulting my face. Sleet is irritating. I want to kick the sleet.

Something tasty smelling is cooking. I want a sandwich.

This weekend is packed with fun things to do. That makes me sorta excited, because being bored is boring, but doing fun things with fun people is really quite nice.

I think I might go to the bar tonight. Maybe. It has been a long time, and I wouldn't mind doing so again. I have craved a white russian for a while, and don't have the stuff to make it on my own.

Ok, time for more working type things.

Sleep...Slaap...Slapped

2008-04-09T06:35:00.002-05:00

I slept like crap two nights ago. Maximum of an hour and a half. I slept much better last night, but didn't make up for the distinct lack of sleeping from the night before. My brains be addled. Yaaar.

I sent a text message in Dutch last night. T9word doesn't like Dutch so much. And after I finally had down what I wanted to say, my stupid phone wouldn't send it. I nearly threw my phone across the room. Yay!

I am having some coffee. I am hoping that clears some of the cobwebs, enough so that I can think straight enough to work properly. That was a terrible sentance. Apparently the java has not done its job yet.

The sound of four showers fills the wing, and I kinda hafta pee.

Whats with the fog this morning? That made driving in a real pain in the neck.

right, talking about the weather, time to move on.

Pop music done right

2008-04-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

I can't top listening to The Beach Boy's "Don't Worry Baby". Its like a curse or disease or something. Its a really good song. I love the production and vocal density. Fantastic. Just throught I should share with you all.

Oh, bother

2008-04-07T15:08:00.002-05:00

I think I could has slept all day today, trying to catch up what I had lost this past week. Its weird, cuz I keep thinking the weekend will start soon, so I can recharge. Not so much.

I did my laundry. I can finally see my floor again. I like that feeling. I keep intending to do my laundry more often, but I never really find the time or have the motivation to do so. So it piles up. Goal for this coming weekend: do one load of laundry.

Why are boundaries always so fuzzy?

My guitar has developed a pretty distinctive buzz in it's frets. I think it needs a setup, or maybe just some new strings. Not that I have the time and money to get that done anytime soon.

It is sunny. I think I will take a walk or drive or something. Maybe wander to the bean just for fun. I do have some homework to finish, so I might as well.

I had a dream that school had only two weeks left. I was sad, but trying to look happy for all the people excited to be done. What a weird brain I have.

Its funny when you simultaneously want to tell everyone something and yet want them to mind their own business. I'm not entirely sure which is better. So far, the latter. Who needs facebook stalkers anyhow.

While number 7 fails miserably

2008-04-06T06:32:00.004-05:00

I played Sorry yesterday. I am not very good. I mostly just picked up cards and let my partner take the helm. If not for the evil of other teams, we woulda done fantastic.

I achieved a suprising amount of my list of stuff I wanted to do, which is rather exciting really. It was still an absolutely draining day. I think today will be even worse in that regard. Thankfully I can nap this afternoon a while and sleep some extra tomorrow.

There is something wonderful about being comfortably barefoot. I am not at the moment... but I have been.

I started my laundry before leaving for work this morning, because I ran out of time to do it other times (I am horrid at time managment, I have decided). I am hoping it doesn't piss Phil off too much. Then I have to put it away when I get back home. That should take way more will power that it should really require.

There is a Faith and Film today, if my dates are correct. That is exciting, cuz I think I missed a few. Coffee. Movies. Discussion. Excellent company. Good call.

Shaff-t's show was really well done. Exhausting in some ways, but really well done. I laughed often. I think part of what was funny to me was, every time there was any sort of swearing, the couple across the theater from me would gaze, stone faced, in my direction and probably try and look disapproving. That aside, it was a well acted and concieved show.

At what point does the typical dislike of "work", the stress of a job, the lack of will to go and make any difference... at what point is that no longer just not liking working a job that doesn't jive with my gifts and passions, and become disliking that job itself. I am intollerant of jobs that I think suck... it is taking a terrible lot of my willpower right now to not say Fuck It and drive on home. Sad.

What I want to do tomorrow

2008-04-04T19:18:00.002-05:00

I was standing outside at work a few moments ago, watching the sun drift toward the horizon, watching a bank of white puffy clouds roll to the east. My greatest urge, as the wing found its way through the cracks in my clothing and chilled me ever so slightly, was to start walking. Presumably home, but more so just into the landscape and away from stress and dissatisfaction. I though about how much I wanted to spend my sunny day doing things that I really value. Here is a list, probably a partial list.

1) sit on my porch in a few articles of clothing as I can manage
2) write lyrics whilest lounging
3) not smoke at all
4) hold her and tell her she is beautiful
5) smile with the sun in my eyes
6) see some theater, something which I miss terribly
7) not have the urge to just start walking away from work
8) sing to myself or others
9) laugh without being thrown into a fit of coughing
10) make at least 5 people laugh, even just a little
11) wonder what is next without being afraid of it
12) cook something delicious
13) have a white russian
14) know that my day was well spent

Here's hoping I get even half of these things done.

Friday morning, and my head feels a thousand miles wide

2008-04-04T06:49:00.002-05:00

It feels like I haven't left work since Wednesday. I hate that feeling. Too much of my waking experience is spent at work. I have slept too little. I get strong urges to just not come in, or to walk out and never return. That would be irresponsible and disrespectful. That doesn't stop me from feeling it though.

In the meantime the weather yesterday was downright inspiring. I heard inklings of 60s over the weekend. Holy crap do I hope that happens. Typical NW Iowa spring I suppose: cold for longer than it should be, sudden temperature ramp. In the next few weeks I fully expect it to be 95. OK, not actually. That would be horrible.

I sometimes try and do little list blogs that end up being multiparagraph blogs.

I need some new jeans. I guess I am getting Wal Mart pants.

My brain is totally addled this morning. My eyes, exhausted, will barely focus on the few things worth looking at. My skull feels full of water... maybe quicksilver. Its heavy, and seems to slosh and lole on my neck. My right leg won't stop bouncing, as though it's twitch will keep the rest of me from just falling asleep in my chair. My lungs are the only lively thing about me, finding the energy to twitch and cough, trying to force the last vestments of my cold out the top of me. Coffee would only add to the cloud, I suspect. Water, no matter how cold, hasn't done much. I just need sleep, sleep for a week. At the same time, because of work, my time with those I care about is so limited, and I am so determined to spend time with them that I sacrifice my rest. More things to consider I suppose.

Work should start to pick up soon, the boys are one by one turning off their showers. I leave you with this: no matter what they are intended for, pills (both medication and suppliment) taste bad. Especially if you burp after swollowing them.

Wot wot, cheerio, pip pip and all that... stiff upper lip

2008-04-03T06:39:00.002-05:00

I decided if I were to create a cartoon character, it would be a penguin who spoke with an affected but snooty English accent. Either named Horace, Wilberforce, or Ned. He would be awesome.

Its hard not to feel bad when you help make someone sick.

My cold seems on the verge of gone if I could just cough up the little tickle that has parked itself at the place where throat becomes lungs. Suffice to say, I cough plenty without much result yet. I am pretty sure its going to be gross when "results" finally arrive.

I hope that in future jobs, my work doesn't follow me home (mentally) the way this job seems to. I don't like dreaming about work while trying to get some sleep between exhausting shifts of work.

Horace/Wilberforce/Ned should have a little German pig-friend nammed Hans that acts as his conscience. But because of his German accent, Hans would always sound kinda pissed off.

I love cereal. Is that weird? Am I supposed to be over cereal? I don't think I will ever get over cereal... though its sort of silly that the cereals I like best tend to be quite grain-filled and healthy. And those are pretty much impossible to find at work, the one place I still eat cereal. Hmmmmm

I should really take up jogging and some sort of movement of heavy things from one place to another. Cuz I am pretty freakin out of shape. And it might actually be warm enough to do that sort of thing soon...ish... I hope.

Well, off to have a bowl of sugar covered puffed grain.

Life is Beautiful

2008-04-02T10:06:00.002-05:00

I had to drop off a student loan payment today, so I decided that, rather than taking my car on a 4 minute round trip, I would walk to Dordt. The sun was out, the wind was cool but distinctly from the south, and I couldn't help but smile about it all. I am pretty sick of the snow, but you can smell it melting. It was a good walk.

Saying good night can be hard.

Rolling my own cigarettes is working out well. I rarely have the desire to smoke, and most times I do I can't be arsed to roll one up, so I just don't. Good plan me, good plan.

My cold seems to be slowly fading. I rarely wheeze and whistle when I breath anymore, my nose seems to have its mucus production mostly under control, and I can breath in without coughing most of the time. I am hoping it will be most if not all the way gone by the time OJK has to play a show next weekend, or singing will be hard.

Long conversations filling late nights are one of my favorite things.

I think my problem with getting to bed on time partially stems from the fact that my sleep schedule seems to perceive the morning shift as only an interruption of normal sleep time. So I end up going to bed rather late and sleeping into the afternoon even on work days. Not that I mind that much, but boy do I wish I didn't have to interrupt it at all.

My room is a mild disaster right now.

I hope this all goes really well, and that people who are struggling to accept it eventually do. That would be pretty awesome.

I am seriously considering getting out of Iowa for the summer. I have been stuck here too long, with only quick jaunts to other places in far to widely spaced onces in a while. And other reasons, like people I don't want to be apart from if I can help it at all. I need to figure that out so I can inform the folks at work.

Ok, off to sleep into the afternoon.

Qual es la fecha?

2008-04-01T04:58:00.003-05:00

I think that means what is the date in Spanish. Hopefully.

I think I should be a scholar/musician. That way I can learn stuff, make music, and get up whenever works for me. I hate getting up early. So very, very much.

I should have been in bed a long ass time ago.

I had an intended purpose for this blog, but I don't remember what it was now.

Yes, Alvin, the new Gnarles Barkley is full on kick pants. Much like their previous effort, with some sort of freshness. I like.

Ik ga nu naar bed.

Yipee Skippy

2008-03-31T02:11:00.002-05:00

This was a good weekend. Dinners were had, concerts were enjoyed, company was enjoyed even more. Through all that static of goodness, joy, enjoyment, passion, compassion, etc I am trying to keep my relationship with God healthy. I don't want to be one of those Christians who clings to got when things are kinda hard, then wanders off when things get good. That is something I have a tendency to do.

I got Gnarles Barkley's new disc. It is good. There is some fantastic and creative stuff, in that groovy way we all expected. Its good. I tend to fall asleep to it, which makes it hard to assess the whole album. But I say good right now.

I have starting rolling my own smokes. Kinda. I am trying to avoid smoking at all, so really the whole things was giving into my urge to do so. But I figure this way it will be really irritating when I want to have one, cuz it is really hard to roll your own smokes. At least as a beginner. And yes, I stole the general idea from Alvin, who followed through where I had been considering for a long time.

segway toooooo

I am still sick. It seems like its wearing off slowly, but at times my cough returns with a vengeance. I have starting taking some cold medicine that helped a lot last time I was feeling this way. And vitamins. They do wonders.

I should go to bed. I didn't sleep nearly enough last night, and in reality I was shot at about 7pm Sunday night. Typical me.

Some thoughts about things

2008-03-29T12:54:00.002-05:00

I am sick, but it feels like I am already getting somewhat better. Maybe that just my mental state talking. Cuz I am a pretty happy dude, generally. Yay! Boo sickness though.

It occurred to me that we (human beings) give so many insincere compliments that giving heartfelt compliments is pretty difficult. Definitely something to get used to, sincerely communicating feelings to others. And compliments that aren't lame... thats hard too.

Hopefully the weather is really nice today. Because I like nice weather. And random winterish weather spasms is getting pretty old. Maybe it just needs to be April. March is always so noncommittal when it comes to spring.

I look forward to the coming of warm weather. But, that means school ending and people (and a person) leaving. I am not prepared for that part of it yet.

I think I may play a little guitar.

Pretty silly really

2008-03-27T06:39:00.002-05:00

I had to drive through the snow to get to work. It is March 27. I hope I can laugh about this so I don't spend the day being pissed. At least it should be gone fairly soon. Still... what a bad call.

I hate those nights that seem to go by in the blink of an eye. The ones where you feel yourself fall asleep and seem to hear your alarm go off the instant your eyes fully close... and 5 or 6 hours have passed. That gets my goat every time.

I keep getting Beauty and the Beast stuck in my head. Not really sure why at this point. I haven't seen that movie forever. So I can only assume there is some other link that I am missing.

I was going to clean off my headlights when I got out of my car this morning. I forgot to do so.

Fruit loops are getting old. I might make myself some tea, because it is starting to seem like I am getting sick. Sore throat, cough, all the stuff that was supposed to leave me alone after the first round's work back in January or whatever. *grumble*

I am sorta in a cruddy mood, what with both snow and a night's sleep that seemed to go by in turbo speed. I should just think of last evening, and that would probably make me happier. Look, I smiled already.

I am pretty excited for this weekend to arrive. One day of work stands in my way. So I am going to try and have a fantastic day at work, so that it flys by, and then I can come on home, see those people I would much rather be spending my time with, and then go to bed and sleep in more than I really need to. Hopefully I can get a thing or two done Friday, but mostly I just want to sleep and spend time with people.

I am considering a new sort of ending thingy to my blogs. The Lyric of the Post (LotP) is getting to be the same lyrics all the time. Perhaps little snippets of profundity mixed with gibberish. We'll see.

More stuff while I avoid work

2008-03-26T17:20:00.002-05:00

I really like good coffee. I have a special place in my heart for bad coffee. Something about very average coffee makes it unbearable. Thank goodness they invented vanilla creamer.

I am wearing my favorite sweater. Admittedly I wore it a little while already this week. But it is warm and comfy and I hear it might snow soon... which is rediculous. So repeat wardrobe is perhaps unavoidable when I need its comfort to keep my from swearing at the clouds. Cuz what will swearing at clouds do besides make me horse?

I just spent 25 minutes listening to someone describe the armor they want to make for themself when they go to heaven and fight Satan's army. I mostly just smiled and nodded.

Cheese is awesome.

I think I should own some plad pants some time in my life. Maybe when I am an old man and can justify them.

I am slightly obsessed with Iron and Wine's "Boy with a Coin". I blaim/credit Alvin and Jeremy.

Is it Friday yet?

Maybe sleep is a myth

2008-03-26T07:29:00.002-05:00

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I just lay face down on my pillow, wondering why my brain wouldn't shut off. Now I am running on coffee and mini wheats. Not a grand feeling, admittedly.

I don't really have anything else to say. Other than naps are awesome and work stresses me out. It sure is nice having everyone back, hanging out in the Bean again, all that fun stuff that made daily life run smoothly prior to break. Things have sorta shifted from being just bearable to being pretty kickass, but still. Its nice to have everyone back.

I am gonna go shower. Cuz my nap made my hair stick out in funny ways. Or so it feels.

Bluuuurpgflugmmmmmqueeeeeeeeeiii

2008-03-25T06:54:00.002-05:00

The title today is an attempt to capture in letters the sounds my stomach somtimes makes. I think I got pretty close.

I am at work. I am trying pretty hard to not actually have to do anything.

Chinese food is tasty. Movies are fun... especially fun movies about Horton. Horten? Hortin... Hortan?

I already need a nap...

Classes start today. Mine included. I can't decide how I feel about that. I am leaning towards good. But that could just be my generally positive demenor as of late. So maybe not.

I wonder what Mongolian Beef tastes like on a tortilla. I bet pretty good.

I have been trying to be slightly more ADD with the info provided on my blog. Like the good old days. Partially to attempt to keep some things to myself. And partially because I have been blogging in the morning at work an awful lot, and my thoughts are rarely cohesive enough to say anything significant at that point.

LotP:"I don't wanna work, I just want to bang on de drum all day-ay"
-I have no idea who sings this song.

Tap dancing my way to Tahiti

2008-03-23T15:21:00.005-05:00

I didn't sleep enough last night. I almost went to bed close to on time...ish. But that didn't happen. Thankfully they invented coffee and Mt. Dew, so I am still awake for work. And will be for some time yet. And will get to come in on my day off. Next weekend can't come soon enough. Which isn't that great a feeling when its Sunday. More importantly, I look forward to tomorrow evening. Yay for that.

Work is loud.

I had Easter dinner and had a really entertaining conversation about how men and women are different. Started by my sister no less. It blew her mind that us guys can just sorta be blank of mind, and not thinking about anything. It brought back memories of last night, staring at dots in the living room. They were REALLY interesting dots at the time. Cuz I was tired. And happy.

Easter kind of annoys me. Call me a cynic, but it irritates me when suddenly everyone is saying "He is risen!" on Easter morning. He was just as risen yesterday. Granted, the sermon in church made some fastastic points about Christ's death. How he was totally dead, how he had peeled back the layers of death to redeem life. Those sorts of important things are facilitated by Easter's arrival. But I apparently don't have much patience for people who live like Jesus is dead from Good Friday through Easter, and suddenly remember his is alive now that Easter has happened. Then again, I tend to be unreceptive to that kind of stuff. *shrug*

I smile an awful lot lately.

There is nothing like bad coffee to keep you awake and peeing every five minutes. From a Christmas reindeer cup no less.

I am considering getting a hair cut. I liked the last one I got, but it has grown out to a length that is getting pretty good at ignoring me and sticking out all over the place. It may be time to recrute my sister to trim things up.

Starting life at 11:00 at night every night might just be the most consistantly irritating part of my job. The rest comes and goes. Shift times remain debilitating to my life.

I think, like Phil, I am starting to feel burnt out. Not with everything. But this long week makes me aware that I need some time to recharge... a day... maybe 30.

I heard a story today from a book. There was guy in a writing class. Despite his hard work his teacher hated everything he wrote. So, he wrote down the lyrics to "The Boxer". She loved it.

LotP: "I'm watching you watch over me."
Silverchair, The Greatest View.

Irrepressable Big Grin

2008-03-22T13:26:00.002-05:00

Patience apparently pays off. I find myself smiling at random while this sinks in. And no, I will not be specific about what I mean. Ha, take that... uh... yah... LOLZROFLBBQ!

I like how every time I watch Ocean's 11 I find something new that I didn't notice before.

Coffee is really good. So are paninis. Combine the two and you have a winning lunchtime. Read a book on the relationship between Tolkien and Lewis, and you are pretty much set... but only pretty much.

I got a USB interface for plugging my guitar into my computer from Nick D for my birthday. Now that I have finally figured out how to make it work, I am getting some stuff recorded. Hopefully I can figure out a way to record vocals as well. Its pretty fun though, and sounds surprisingly good if you fiddle with pedals through it.

I am really hoping work today goes fast. It has been too many days in a row. And I only kind of get Monday off, because we are going to have a freaking unreasonably huge meeting. *thumbs down* I suppose it comes with the job though.

After being thoroughly chided by Jer and Alvin for not being able to identify Iron and Wine on command (I may never ask what band is playing ever again... oi) I picked up the Shepherd's Dog. I am surprised, is more involved than I expected. Most of my Iron and Wine experience is just acoustic stuff. There are lots of cool things going on in this album.

It is snow flurrying. I wish it would just stay warm. Such is spring I suppose.

Ok, off to grin like an idiot a while before work.

LotP: "In the failing light of the afternoon..."
Iron and Wine, Lovesong of the Buzzard

Optimus Men Subsisto

2008-03-21T19:09:00.002-05:00

The day was good, but cold. It is less good, but its work stuff so I won't provide details.

I am making myself hot dogs. Which are never healthy, but I had a craving for them. Plus we have hot mustard, which is hot dogs' best friend. Heck, hot mustard just might be MY best friend.

I don't remember where I was going with this one... soooo....

The things I must express

2008-03-21T03:25:00.002-05:00

I just need to say I am very good. The power of Donny Darko. I am convinced, because no other word suits the feeling. I am convicted that things will, ultimately, be alright in the world. I am looking forward to the coming and restoration that Christ will bring more than I have in a long time. I am good, very good. However things in my life pan out, I will be OK. Fantastic even. Loved, fulfilled, valued, made whole. It is a good feeling. The right people and circumstances have convinced me of it tonight. And I thank God that it happened.

I wandered home in a slightly serpentine manner, smiling and staring up at the moon as it shone beautifully though the cloud cover. And I was OK with it. Whatever "it" is. It sounds cliche, but thank the Lord. Now I am going to bed, because it is late (early?) and my week is just gearing up. But I can handle what comes my way, thanks to a conviction that God will ultimately restore everything. Hopefully my conviction holds through the night.

Being at peace is a great place to be. Maybe things will turn my way after all. And if not, so be it.

Fruit loops: a mistake, but one that tastes good enough to repeat

2008-03-20T06:52:00.003-05:00

I like fruit loops. Mostly in that "this has so much sugar in it that I will probably pass a reassembled chunk of sugarcane" way. They always seem to give me gas in the morning. Which is super fun. Trying to motivate boys while avoiding passing gas occationally results in neither thing being done well. But you probably didn't want to know that.

I watched "The Story of Us" with Phil and Mel last night. Jury is still out. I think I liked what it said, but the characters were really frustrating to watch. Mostly I stole that assessment from Mel... or was it Phil. I will credit Mel for this particular wording... though I suspect Phil said something similar... that paragraph got way to involved in my attempted citation.

So this friar walks into a bar...

I had a really deep thought this morning. Like, REALLY deep. But once I had run my way through the series of snoozes and alarm resets that always happen, I couldn't remember a dang thing other than "it is early, yet last night ended too quickly... man its early". And then I brushed my teeth.

Basically, what I am saying is I had a good reason to blog... I just don't remember what it is. Which sorta bums me out. Maybe its just the fact that its five after seven and I have already been up for more than an hour.

LotP: "I'll stay awake for days."
Silverchair, Insomnia

^I use this lyric a lot... especially early in the morning.

Round Twee

2008-03-19T17:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I just want to walk away from things. Work, efforts that seem to be producing nothing, general conflict, people who get on my nerves, schoolwork that seems pointless: these are things I am chronically willing to abandon. But what good does it do for me to give up on these things? Not much good at all. So I am trying to face conflict, to keep working at things when they seem to be fruitless, to dedicate myself to schoolwork, even when it isn't inspiring. And I will try to not give up on work, or people, or the fact that God has some sort of plan, and the specifity of it is something I will never really comprehend, but I am included in it somehow. That is my resolution.

In the morning, less amazing.

2008-03-19T06:48:00.002-05:00

Last night was a good ol' timey night of fun. A little wine, some really good food (including various spicey korean things... I assume it was all korean... and fresh fruit, and fancy cheese), some hookah, and not enough lighting. Combine that with people I have been itching to see, and good times are sure to ensue. The only problem is I woke up with a bit of a headache and rather sleepy yet. Though, when am I not rather sleepy in the morning? Answer: I'm pretty much always sleepy in the morning.

It is strange to be back at work. Not bad strange at this point, I just have to try and play catch up with all the goofy crap.

I should learn to weave baskets. Or knit. Yah.

I have decided I really like dogs. Spending the weekend with Belle, and then hanging with Alvin's family dog (Daisy? I am unsure because its early) made me realize that never having a pet is something I rather regret. So, part of my goal in life is to get a dog at some time.

Alvin's latest blog entry makes me want to garden. Which is bizzare, since my parents had to force me to help in their garden when I was a kid. I suspect that, when you are a kid, you would much rather be running around playing than gardening. But as an adult, you don't play much anymore, and gardening holds an appeal because it is something fulfilling that both fills leasure time and produces results... provided you are any good at gardening. That and some awesome organic produce would be super duper.

I think I might grab a cup o' coffee. It won't help my mild headache at all, but it will probably be tasty and envigorating. And that is sorta the point, right?

LotP: "And he drove his car into the navy yard, just to prove that he was sorry."
Sufjan Stevens, Casimir Pulaski Day

This will register as my second post today

2008-03-18T14:18:00.002-05:00

I rearranged and cleaned my room up a bit. There is still stuff all over the place, piled up because I have no where else to put it but don't know if I should just throw it away. I hate paper trails. I wish I could just pull myself off the grid and start over without all the "important" mail sometimes. But apparently bills and so forth are part of life, or so says my dad. I guess it is true, so I won't be too skeptical of it all. Still sucks though.

I got the day off somehow. Now I have another marathon run of work because I both tired and way to nice to my coworkers sometimes. I hope to spend it doing nothing useful and hopefully hanging out with people when they get back. Who knows how that will roll though. God probably does.

Speaking of God, I definitely didn't keep up on my very minor devotion regime. And I am feeling it. I am worn out, a little bummed out, and panicked about nothing in particular. Or particular things that are entirely based in my overactive imagination. Which might be worse. Strange. So I fully intend to get back to that, because I am not nearly as stable, wise, or loving a person without God's help. And that isn't a good feeling. Realizing you are backsliding but not knowing exactly how or how to stop it. Prayer is about my only spiritual "ice pick" for these sorts of things. So thats about all I have done. No discernible results quite yet.

I was hoping my little break would give me the rest I needed to get back into work with a good attitude and a will to ride out the storms. That didn't work. I have lost my worker drone mindset and don't want to go anymore. I had a fun conversation with my boss and told her I have no plans to quit, which is true. Maybe, though, I should make plans to. Which will probably just get me working another job that I don't really enjoy. Endless cycle and all that stuff.

Well, so far Alvin is winning the Lyric submission game. Keep trying folks.

wait... what?

2008-03-18T01:32:00.002-05:00

Ever wonder if you were supposed to feel snubbed? I am wondering that. It is probably nothing at all. Or maybe it is a bigger deal that I think. *shrug* Too desperately trying to hold on to my tiny vacation to dedicate any brainpower to worrying about it.

I am, indeed, back in Sioux Center. Back in the saddle again. Back in black. Back from outer space. Paul is back... alright. Witness my feeble attempts to get pumped about it. I really enjoyed my time in GR, my relaxing, my lack if responsibilities and pressures and questions that I didn't want. I suppose that is life though. Or that, at least, will be my way of dealing with it until I have the presence of mind to actually deal.

I got a new guitar pedal. A germanium overdrive. It has some cool fuzzy, scraping, static, battery-death sounds in it. Just what I was looking for, in truth. No one really cares but me, I am sure.

I think I might go smoke and get some food that I don't need from Wal Mart. Or maybe a CD or something. I hate when people are gone. I think my roommates are home, but no one bothered to say hello. That jabs salt in a wound with a dirty stick. Because I am feeling strangely abandoned. Messed up, eh.

All in all the assessment of my break-like-thing is: great for relaxation, horrid for giving me too much time to think, but no way to act. So, both a success and a failure at the same time.

I don't want to search for a lyric. Best comment containing appropriate lyrics wins. GO!

Some Sunday Thoughts

2008-03-16T16:24:00.003-05:00

It is sunny and slightly cool here in Grand Rapids. Little Belle (Brian and Krista's dog) is pretty pooped from the long walk we took after lunch. That is funny, since she is usually a ball of fury and energy, endlessly asking to be entertained. But she is content now to migrate around the living room, finding places to lounge. Part of the family is playing cards, Mum and Krista are making cupcakes and choosing some art projects. I am chilling with little Toshi, the smaller of two Toshiba laptops that my much more tech savvy bro and sis make pretty impressive use of. My tummy is full of roast, potatoes, asparagus, and various sweets. It is very Sunday.

Belle is now lounging beside me. And that will probably mean I will have to dodge her licks sometime soon. For now, she is looking cute and sleepy. And vaguely sphinx like.

These sorts of trips always succeed in pointing out that I am the single on. We spent lunch talking about mortgage rates, having children, and various other married people subjects. I kinda stared out the window and wished we could get on with the end of the meal. But, such is life. I wonder if any of them realize how hard that is for me sometimes. I can't relate to their stuff, and they can't really relate to mine. Sure, they were all single at one time. But, they aren't the odd man out... the 7th wheel in their own family. Most times it isn't bad at all, and I don't even notice, because I love all these people. I certainly can't fault any of them for being happy. But at moments, I wish I was too. Eventually I realize that, to some degree, I am happy. My mom keeps trying to convince me that being single means being free to do whatever I want. Firstly, not true. Secondly, who said I want that freedom. Anyway... this shouldn't get depressing or annoying or whatever. On with things.

I am running out of stuff to blog about... my brain is kinda tired from a shitty night sleep on an air mattress that still seems to put my limbs in direct contact with the floor. I head home tomorrow, so those around Sioux Center, or soon to be around, holla back and all those cool ebonic phrases that often only serve to irritate those of us who enjoy proper English. At least when delivered by skinny white kids.

LotP:"I tried and tried to pin your flowers on"
The National, Apartment Story.

To fulfill a promise

2008-03-15T22:31:00.003-05:00

I promised Phil I would update more often than was really necessary so he would have something to do while the rest of us were off being off being on break. However, my day was really pretty low key and I have avoided deep thoughts because I am on vacation, and far away from most of the folks that help me organize my complicated thoughts. However, here is a synopsis of the break so far.

Yesterday night we hung a little before heading to Famous Dave's. If you like BBQ food at all it is a fantastic place to dine. The only problem is ALL of the food is so good and they give you SO MUCH. You feel bad leaving any on the platter, because it is so fantastic, but it fills you up so full that you have to choose something to abandon. I wasn't all that impressed with the catfish. Brisket is still awesome.

Today I got up surprisingly early (well, I had nothing to do at night, so I went to bed semi early and got a full, if slightly fitful, sleep). So I had a proper breakfast with the family and so forth. We eventually went to Cherry Street Deli for lunch... it was freaking tasty. If anyone is in GR and has never eaten there, do so now... right now if possible. After home made spaghetti and general laziness in the afternoon, we caught Horton Hears A Who. Which is a great flick. Surprisingly great, actually. I commend the makers on its hilarity.

and that was the last two days, with general laziness and sitting around left out. Because no one wants to hear about that.

Hoi team

2008-03-14T22:20:00.002-05:00

So we made it to GR just fine. Spent a nice evening with the family, went out for my belated birthday dinner, sat and talked and had coffee afterward. Its barely even into the evening and I am pretty drained. Getting up early does that to me though. I am looking forward too this weekend.

On the way here we saw a pretty nasty accident. Car flipped, defiantly had to get the roof jaws of lifed off to remove the passengers. I always wonder when I see those sorts of accidents. Were the people in the car alright? What went wrong? Will that happen to me? So, I hope all you travelers during the break get to and from your destinations safely. Well, not just during break of course.

The Sound Of Animals Fighting is a kinda cool band, if you like experimental noisy stuff. I think I am going to go to bed now.

LotP:"My accomplishments are transient"
Circa Survive, The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is the Dose

Thats right, round two.

2008-03-13T15:32:00.002-05:00

I decided "the weather is beautiful, and so are you" would be a great song lyric. So I wrote a song, and included it in my prelimanary lyrics. Samurais are also involved. And so came together some of the most nonsense lyrics I have written in a long time.

Hot Dog. Hamburger (helper).

I had a panini at Butlers. Now I have massive gas. But that could be from the not quite finished batch of beer that Matt (brother in law) and company are making and I helped taste test. It was good... really good. That last sentance should be said in a stereotypical mexican accent, like Jack Black in Nacho Libre.

I think that is enough blogging for now. Cuz I am at work after all.

One more day... one more day... one more day.

2008-03-13T08:04:00.002-05:00

We have a late start at school for the boys this morning. I am less than impressed with the prospects of an even longer day than usual. But for now I am powering through the morning. I am very ready for break.

I hate my capability to be negative about absolutely nothing. I am just in a kinda cruddy mood this morning. Granted, I didn't sleep much and many of my friends will be gone for quite a while, and we have a longer day the normal, and my head kinda aches... so I guess I do have a reason. I just have suspisions it isn't related to that. *sigh*

I am pretty pumped to go see the GR siblings. It has been a while. Plus we get to go out for my birthday dinner... yes, nearly a week late, but it is better than never. To prove it, make a birthday cake at 11:30 the night of your birthday. Still tasty. In fact, maybe tastier. The point is I like food and I like my family and combining the two is a good call. That made it sound like I was gonna turn my family into food and then consume them. Not the case.

Sometimes I get really bored, wander the internet, and realize I am facebook stalking. Then I grunt and wish more people emailed me.

I wonder if people realize I have a Dordt mailbox. I sure as heck haven't gotten anything in it. Somehow I managed to get the mailbox one under the box I had while a fulltime student. I thought that was neat.

I might go make some coffee. Because I am yawning like a mofo. However, I find too much coffee gives me a headache. So I won't make all that much. Maybe Phil will want some. I should ask him.

I just realized how much more eliquent my last entry was compaired with this one. But my random lists of stuff tradition has been lost due to overpontification. So I will keep going with this entry.

I really like playing guitar. It is definately one of my better coping mechanisms. Plus it make me sooooo coooool. And the ladies totally flock to me all the time. But not actually. *grunt*

I sorta want to learn to play the piano at least a little. New avenues for song writing and all that. At very least I should learn to read music on guitar.

My room is a disaster. I need to fold my laundry. N stuff.

This is getting just sad. So I am gonna go make that coffee and hope I can hold a conversation sucessfully by the time the boys are up and around.

LotP: "Your eyes are the size of the moon"
Panic at the Disco, Nine in the Afternoon.

Some thoughts on Spring, for spring has sprung and it continues to do so.

2008-03-12T19:02:00.004-05:00

While driving through wind and rain this afternoon with some of the boys from work, it occured to me that Spring has its own sort of fury. The wind was almost warm, and the rain was a welcome departure from the snow that keeps melting and filling the ditches with temporary streams and creeks. The fact that Winter seems to be ending all of a sudden, and with a seeming explosion of life is something that adds to the fountain of excitement and vitality I find welling up inside myself.

I can really help but grin when I walk outside and realize that the huge snow drifts have dwindled down into little lumps of brown mottled snow that seem to be leaking their insides out into the streets. And the sun warms my face and my feet, and my scarf gets too warm and itchy. And it occurs to me that winter is finally coming to an end. And I start grining even more widely.

A blue sky is much more interesting and much more inspiring when fields of gold and green lay under it, rather than an impossibly bright expance of white. Snow makes my eyes hurt. That is why I own lots of pairs of sunglasses. And keep them all in my car. Because I tend to forget them places, and need to buy anther pair. Sadly, I never got a pair in Europe... which is probably for the better since they would likely be expensive and designer or something. Or awesome... but I am gonna convince myself otherwise.

I saw several robins today. It made me think about how dull birds look in winter. No bright colors, not beating red breasts, just muted browns and greys and tans to ensure no one stands out. Now return the bright birds, the vocal birds, the birds who seek to be seen by their brightly colored mates. Like a black and white photo turned to color or something.

Ah, youth.

LotP: "Don't wanna work in a building downtown"
The Arcade Fire, Antichrist Television Blues.

Morning times are here, and that is really too bad.

2008-03-12T06:56:00.003-05:00

It is very early. I slept badly last night. I couldn't seem to get the brain to turn off. It is very frustrating when that happens, especially considering how little I sleep when I DON'T have trouble falling asleep. So, I am feeling rather doping. Though, honestly, I have no particular problem with being awake at the moment. Just with the fact that I am quite sleepy.

I like candy. I was never really a fan of jelly beans, but jelly bellies are awesome. So it eating them with cool people late at night. And then telling awkward grandparent stories, and stories of the joy of being the single sibling.

The smell of spring in the morning is one perhaps my favorite smell right now. I particularly a fan of standing in the little streams that flow from the remaining snow, and inhaling. Your nose fills with the smells of spring, life, earth, wetness, and the death of winter. Yesterday Phil pointed out that the visible parts of our backyard lawn are green. It made me stand in victory on our back stoop.

thats all. I gotta work a while.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

2008-03-11T07:38:00.002-05:00

I got a journal for my birthday. It is a really nice one. Leather bound, it has a bookmark built in (one of those neat ribbon kinds that are hooked to the cover) and the pages are actually replaceable little modules that can be fit into the leather binding. So far since Sunday I have written something like 8 pages worth of stuff. Minor stuff, that has little consiquence and doesn't deserve to be read by anyone else because of its literary inferiority. Basically it has become my blog minus the "what is appropriate public knowlege" filter. Hopefully this decreases the need for pointless multiple blog posts per day. Because it got downright silly last week. I just have to try and remember to bring it to work, or it will do me no good at all.

Thinking a little further on life in general, I think I am irritated at how busy we all get all the time. I don't remember a day that wasn't spent either working, stressing about work, or attempting to de-stress and recover from work. It has been ages since I got up on time and just enjoyed a nice day of having few things to do. Is that what life is going to like for the next however many decades of existance? Am I just going to have time getting stressed and time attempting to cope with that stress, with no times of relaxation or frivolity or just quiet contemplation. I guess I should say that there are sections of my days that are spent doing these things.
Maybe it has just been too long since I took anything resembling vacation (a few days in December was the closest thing... I didn't go anywhere or do anything). I am very much looking forward to my four day spring break. Not that I am desperate for a recharge or anything, but I just don't want to be working or thinking about work, or talking about work, or anything else involving work, for at least a few moments. I mentioned to Mel that after five days in a row, it is really hard to turn the "work" parts of my brain off again. Monday wasn't quite long enough or relaxing enough to really get that turning off completed properly. Vacation... yaaaaaaa.

It may be slightly cruel of me, but I am glad there will be a few people around during break (Dordt's break, not my mini-break). Cuz weeks worth of nothing but sleep and work would make me a sad. Or maybe just bored. Point being I am happy it isn't just gonna be me, Phil, Kris, and work. Cuz people are good things. Just like cake. Mmmmmmm cake.

LotP:"If I could open my eyes..."
Death Cab For Cutie, Marching Bands of Manhattan.

New day, new blog, fresh air, fresh sunshine.

2008-03-10T15:46:00.002-05:00

Hopefully this one is quick. Because I really wanna go sit outside a little while.

I had the family birthday get together. I want it to be more than just a loot report. However, I am very excited about getting the first season of the Office, and getting a really nice leather bound journal. The rest was all real nice too. Mope nice than stuff, though, was the good times hanging out with my family, who I sadly don't see very often. Even sadder considering my siblings live down the ally and my parents just across town. We are such busy people.

I have randomly once again began listening to Circa Survive. Its is someone ethereal and wispy sounding, while at the same time being powerful and having a groove you can latch onto. Impressive, if you ask me.

My goal today is to not let my brain wander so far through the bits of information I have, in hope of preventing any false assumptions or freak outs. A noble goal if yo ask me.

Now, the sun is streaming through my blinds and my head can't concentrate on anything but outside right now. So I leave you.

My face might be numb. I don't know. I think if I don't know its pretty likely

2008-03-09T08:23:00.005-05:00

So that daylight savings thing really snuck up on me. I didn't have any idea that there was a time change last night until about 10pm. And then I conveniently forgot about it until about 2am... which was no longer 2am. Suffice to say that whole "get decent sleep" thing didn't happen. Horray early shifts. At least I get tomorrow to recharge.

Last night I made a wise choice. I decided, partially on Brian's urging, that I needed cake on my birthday. So I gathered up some folks, and bought a cake and icing and ice cream (Phil's contribution) and with the assistance of those fellow festive folks, baked that cake to the point of perfection. Fluffy, delicious perfection. And then Mel iced it... cuz I am useless and apparently don't know the most basic of baking skills. Turns out it is an only slightly gentler version of buttering toast. I didn't know... I never bake... TILL NOW!!

I also had pizza and some great conversations with my Mom yesterday (evening rather than night). As my Mom put it "I don't see you that often, so every once in a while I need to have a heart to heart and catch up." I think there were some things I didn't say. But, there are plenty of things I did say, and it was a nice talk. And the pizza/birthday beer (honey weiss) was also tasty and good.

I am having my official family birthday time today. I am looking forward to it. Partially for the tasty cake my mom is sure to prepare. Partilly for the presents... I hope there is presents. Mostly though because its been a while since the whole family got together, and that is always quite a fun time.

I am hungry. Perhaps I will go and retrieve myself some cereal. Or some toast. Or perhaps a smoke and a pancake. Or perhaps I will just make coffee and give myself epic stomache cramps. Hmmm... the choices are endless really.

Kid Rock still sucks. Granted his sudden rooty rocker thing is a step in a less annoying direction. But as a person, he still gets on my nerves. And the amount of stereotypical "patriotic but unsatisfied politically active star using their starpower to change the world but not really" in his video is astounding. And by astounding I mean not that suprising but really uncreatively executed. I digress. Do I digress? I cul de sac.

I need a good shower. That, along with a nap, are my goals when I finally have the time to do either/both/them. I also really, really need to do laundry. My plan of "do it earlier so I have less" failed miserably. I just never got around to doing it and I am once again on the verge of having no socks or bath towels. Awesome.

LotP:"We're so disarming now"
The National, Apartment Story.

...uuuuuhg... Early... uuuhg

2008-03-08T08:26:00.003-06:00

So, today I am 23 years old. Mostly I can't process the significance of that, because my head hurts. I may have celebrated slightly enthusiasticlly last night. And then, of course, I got to come to work nice and early. Cuz that is what everyone wants to do on the morning of their birthday. Get up early and go to work. Woooooo.

In all seriousness though, I feel no older, no wiser, no different at all. I don't think a birthday has felt all that significant since about 18. Sure, 21 meant things... but it didn't fee like a big deal. More like a convenience. Strange.

Last night really was quite fun. There was loudness and tasty drinks, guy-sharing and arm wrestling. Sadly, though, I failed to find a board I could break. Because it was dark at the time and our garage has no lights. I really wanted to break a board though. Which is probably an abnormal urge.

I heard Falling Slowly on VH1, laying on the couch half asleep. It kinda jarred me.

Alvin, you are right, that new Snoop video is trash.

It needs to stop being cold now. Its my dang birthday. Anyone who is suprised by the sudden and largely unpredicted cold should refer back to my post several days ago that informed you all the weather would be shitty on my birthday. You are welcome, its your fault if you didn't take my word for it.

I like people. They are good stuff. Well, the right people.

The deep things aren't coming.

edit: Holy crap. I wandered outside and had a smoke at about 1:30 and hit the tired wall HARD. Fun stuff. Not really though. My body isn't really obeying me right now. I really just want to go home and nap a while.

LotP: "sometimes you sulk, sometimes you burn"
Radiohead, Sulk

Bordem breeds blogs breeds blogger fatigue and reader disinterest

2008-03-07T15:24:00.002-06:00

Yah... I know... there is no reason to blog again. Heck, nothing at all has happened since this morning. Besides driving home. And then back to work. Those were the most exciting parts of the day so far.

I suppose, as usual, I have been thinking about stuff. Mostly I got the opportunity because I wasn't needed in the jaunt to pick up the boys from school. So I sat, wrote books, watched inspiring youtubes, and read blogs. So, of course, it seems necessary to write a blog entry of my own.

I think I need to cry. Not about anything in particular. I just occationally find myself quite overwhelmed. Strangly, it is often after struggling with something and then, after finally getting out of whatever bummed out hole I get stuck in, I can finally let the emotion out. Maybe that is just the thing now. Too much pent up emotion that I didn't want to let out in a torrent at the wrong time... so now it sits and waits, knowing I am mostly OK, and in a better/more stable mood in general, and knowing that I can handle the experience. Mind you, I really hate crying. So I avoid it. Maybe I shouldn't avoid it so much, and it wouldn't be so bad.

I have been thinking about God quite often lately. I think part of my struggle to understand "this whole thing" (code for stuff I don't really wanna disclose, even if everyone who reads my blog already knows what it is) isn't the reasons she has. Rather, it is trying to understand the cosmic, God's plan, karmic, (fate?) sort of reasons for it all. Those are the ones that seem to bite me in the ass. Because at least her reasons can be spelled out to me. God's reasons are just... sorta... out there somewhere. At the same time, I am in a suprisingly good place with God. Maybe it is a virtue of mine that I rarely if ever get angry with God. If I don't get him, I tell him so. But deciding (probably at Walhof's indirect urging) to pray more, and do some devotions, and not struggle alone has done wonders for my faith life (a term I dislike) and for my mental state. So I am gonna credit God and Walhof (God's loudest mouthpiece) with where I am right now. And that is a pretty good place.

This blog is getting long, because no one is back from school yet. I wonder where they are.

I wrote another guitar riff today. I think my musical goals have changed. Especially this summer and earlier in the year my musical goals were somewhere around "catchy". I wanted to write catchy, fun, poppy tunes that stuck in your head. I have switched back to "epic" one of my long time goals. And add to that "beautiful". It occured to me that few of my songs that people would actually know have melodic beauty. Power? Sure. Energy? I like to think so. Interesting chord shapes? Hellz yah. But not much melodic beauty. There is very little gentleness. That, gentle epic beauty, is where I am aiming right now. I hope someone who plays piano wants to be in a band... I think I am going to need a player.

LotP: "sing your melody"
Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly

More things in a list like form

2008-03-07T06:37:00.003-06:00

-They keep pushing the day when weather is going to get nice back. It was supposed to be today. Now the high for today is like 16 F. This weather is really starting to piss me off. What a silly thing to be mad about, eh.

-I fell asleep on the ear which I have pierced. Now it kinda hurts. I think it must have twisted the ring funny in my sleep. Which mostly just confirms that I need a new earring of some sort.

-I really enjoy deep fried cheese products. It is a good thing I don't have ready access to them in my house, or place of work. Or I would be fat.

-I should really start lifting weights regularly. Or even semi-regularly.

-You should youtube Joel Plaskett Emergency: Fashionable People. Because it is a fun song and I woke up with it in my head. And he is Canadian. All valid reasons to like the song before even listening to it!

-I had a sudden urge, right as I was determining what else to write to you all, to say fuck my last blog. And then I would go drink as much coffee as possible, and get so hopped up on caffeine that I couldn't feel my face. And it would be awesome... till I woke up in the hospital.

-Ever feel like you aren't quite awake, and then wonder if you are awake at all... and kinda hope that you are having a nightmare? I just had that. Strange.

-I am going to GR for the first weekend of Spring Break. I realized that will be the first time I "got out of town" in weeks. Which is really really sad. Thankfully it will more than likely be an awesome time, which is not sad at all.

-I am trying to remember some sort of quick anecdote to bless all y'all with. But I can't think of any. Which is a bit of an anecdote in and of itself... even if it is a really bad one.

-It is becoming evident that this is a blog for bordem and blogging's sake, and it is probably mind numbing to read. So I am going to grab a cup of coffee and ride out the morning on what is hopefully waves of calm. And then drive home in my freezing cold car and start a load of laundry before napping as long as I can swing. Because I have many things that I do... and stuff.

LotP:"The dancers need a dance floor, the swingers got to swing, fashionable people doing questionable things."
Joel Plaskett Emergency, Fashionable People.

A list of stuff, since it has been way to long. And I have time on my hands because my job is strange

2008-03-06T15:50:00.002-06:00

-I really like the song "Falling Slowly" from the movie once. Especially the youtube clip where Glen Hansard sings it with some random girl in the crowd at a Frames concert.

-I have a facinating tendancy to get stuck behind slow moving vehicles on my way to work. Today it was some sort of feed/manure truck that just barely had the power to make it all the way up the little hills that roll along the rode to work. It certainly didn't have the gusto to maintain its speed. Weeeeeeeeeak.

-My water bottle still kinda tastes like yeast... even after about 5 months. Which is kinda lame.

-I love the peaceful feelings I get when I am praying ernestly. It is probably one of the things that gives me confidance that there is a God listening at all.

-There is something about live Radiohead that makes me feel like a inadiquate musician.

-I think if I have any comfort food, it must be apple cider at the Bean. Because it tastes awesome, and does that nice warming of the insides that comes with a good hot drink or warm soup. I guess I should probably include warm soup on my comfort food list then.

-I am going to see if I can ween myself off of caffiene to some degree. Last night's brain melting headache was far from fun.

LotP: "I don't know you, but I want to"
Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly

It is really early for my brain.

2008-03-06T06:45:00.002-06:00

Today I managed to wake up after exactly the wrong amount of sleep. And it was a bad thing. And my brain is very confused at the moment, and I am not thinking particularly effeciently. Which is pretty entertaining for everyone else I suspect. Yay sleeping.

On the upside, however, my throat is much less sore compaired to yesterday, so maybe it wasn't that I was sick. And my headache is gone (I had a headache last night). I am pretty sure that it was caffiene related. Yay for too much coffee! And by yay I mean, that was such a bad call.

One of my favorite pairs of pants is on the verge of turning itself into dishrags. I think one or two washes more will pretty well wear the pockets right through... and then stuff will fall out and that will be bad. Plus they already have a honkin hole in the knee (darn pre-stressing that turns into actual stressing). So I think sometime I need to buy some new jeans.

I was going to make a long list of upsides and downsides to life. It was pretty much pointless, and I was sleepy. So I took a nice shower to de-stress instead. And thought about said upsides and downsides. And then I went to bed. It was a pretty good call, that one. Except that my hair looked pretty funny in the morning.

and... back to work. Day two of five. Huzzah... and stuff.

LotP: "The morning breaks when you awake."
Novastar, When The Lights Go Down On The Broken Hearted

I hate it when I run out of clever.

2008-03-05T16:17:00.003-06:00

So, despite my waxing poetic about having general peace of mind, I couldn't turn my brain off last night. I couldn't have slept for more than an hour. Maybe an hour and a half. I was dead tired, the ol' noggin just wouldn't stop processing. To say the least, the morning sucked pretty hard and I napped extensively during the afternoon. Pretty much the entire time. And then I got stuck waiting for a train. It was exciting.

So, I am technically working right now. But actually, I am sitting in my bedroom blogging. I had to bring some boys to an appointment in Sioux Center, and I have a little free time to do whatever until I have to go pick them up. In no way did I get a raw deal in this one.

I have tried to be more poetic, or at least more richly descriptive, perhaps more literate, in my blogging. I figure it should be fun to read, and it is good exercise to try and get my writing skills back in shape once papers start coming due, and if I ever get around to going to grad school. At the same time, I suspect most of my literary voice comes from my usual frankness, with sprinklings of my only occasionally useful but admittedly rather large vocabulary. That and terrible grammar. So am I actually hamstringing my writing style by attempting to achieve a more colorful read? English majors, got any opinions?

I should play some guitar and have a smoke... probably in the opposite order... before picking up the boys again.

Starting yesterday my throat has started being sore. Sore in a typical pre-cold and suffering sort of way. I can't tell if it is just sitting in a smoky bar for too long that did it, or if I am getting sick. Getting sick would seem pretty logical, since it has been a tradition of my body's to start shutting down temporarily near and on my birthday, as though it was trying to remind me of my own mortality and the years ticking away. That and the weather is always pretty shitty. I sorta hate Iowa's traditions for my birthday. Somehow, though, the day itself is rarely a bad one, despite what seems to surround it.

I asked for a good dutch-learning program for my birthday. I really need to brush up. Plus it would be good brain exercise. Heck, maybe I could even eventually speak it at least somewhat successfully.

That is all for now.

Luminous is the illumination

2008-03-05T01:22:00.002-06:00

So, it snowed this evening. It was the sort of snow that you can't honestly fault for falling. Pure, gentle but thick, and having seemingly no weight at all. It stuck to the eyelashes and seemed to swirl as though alive as I strolled in waning annoyance to the Bean. Driving tomorrow is going to suck, and this will more than likely negatively impact my week. But at the time I couldn't help but find the falling flakes beautiful.

Today marks the last day of my rather extended period off from work. During these long days off I find it very easy to become slothful. I don't really do anything, besides what is outright required of me, or what puts me in contact with people I desire to be with. I was reminded of summer, a rather idealized version, where I had no cares, no work to despise, nothing to do but get up late and enjoy the afternoon and evening. Thinking on it further, summer was fraught with stress about money and work, and a job that was fun but pretty dead end and unrewarding. But I desire a time, perhaps a long time, where I can get up on my own time and do what I enjoy. That is a huge part of my ideal future.

I jokingly said on facebook that I should be a record producer. But, in all honesty, I think that would be a very interesting job. I could work with music all the time, I could probably make my own hours. At the moment, as band hopes seem to stagnate and perhaps crumble, my own hopes are to get into recording, even if I have to do it all myself to get my music down on "tape". And if that leads somewhere someday, then cool.

My favorite sort of time with her is when we can let the stress and drama fall away and just enjoy each other's company. My mind stops racing about what could be and what isn't, and settles into a sort of satisfactory, almost familiar place where that stuff doesn't exist, and we can just talk and laugh and be ourselves. Maybe if this went further it could always be like that. Maybe I have said too much. Sorta late now.

I have found it difficult to write lyrics lately. Maybe my songs are becoming too complicated for me to fit words into. Playing by myself seems to breed embellishment, maybe over-embellishment. Maybe I have run out of new feelings. Whatever the case, the guitar riffs keep coming in interesting new styles, and I have trouble completing the process. Strange, since most of the time the two parts of the song seem to spring up together, with a calm ease. Maybe I am just holding myself to a higher standard now that I have the time and ambition to do so. Really I need to get the songs recorded so I can develop them and step away from the guitar parts far enough to understand what the words should be about.

I am more interested in than dreading this coming slew of work days. I am not sure how well I will handle a stretch of this length. Perhaps this will be a make or break week for me. We'll see. For now its time to sleep.

Sometimes I wish I was the one "sleeping on it". For once. Alright, it has been the case, and I hated that as much if not more. It still seems illogical right now though, knowing things I know (and knowing them so much from my own point of view).

LotP:"When I'm all alone I'll be wary and careful"
Silverchair, Strange Behavior.

Nostrodamus seems like a real dick

2008-03-03T02:57:00.002-06:00

So it is Sunday... kinda. Only in that "haven't slept so the days haven't changed" way. I don't work Monday, so I am still up, drifting around mentally. More like zero gravity paddle ball. I drift gently and with next to no force, but I keep seeming to spring, ever so slowly, back to the same thoughts I drifted from. Its what I do late at night, early in the morning, and in the shower. Fun times.

The slight dampening of Spring's return really bummed me out today. Mostly this evening. I just wanted it to be warm and beautiful so I could get out of the house and enjoy some fading sunlight. Nope, it was cloudy and windy. How stupid. I suppose days like this happen too.

I hearken back to fall, the little bit we did have. The smell of leaves and earthyness, walks in light coats and reluctant stocking caps. Smoking while standing on crunchy leaves, and half enjoying when they get into your shoes and stab the bottoms of your feet.

I am looking forward to Spring. The little rivers and rivulets of melting snow and ice. The way melting smells so much like new life to me. Sunshine that warms rather than merely blinding. Wearing a teeshirt, even though it isn't warm enough for it yet, just to prove spring has arrived. Green. I miss green. The way that trees you thought barely blocked your view suddenly cut off parts of the world in a huge green and maroon mass. The way the grass stays patchy from abuse and misuse, but always seems to be trying to grow anyhow. Fresh breezes that seem to already carry the smell of early summer. I am so ready for it.

I was thinking today about some of my typical complaints and dilemmas. Part of what I tried to make my mom understand recently is that just jumping into something, risking your personal security, taking the leap of faith, is very difficult to do alone. Mom seemed to not think this a very good explanation for part of why making a decision about what I want to do next in life is so hard. Something occurred to me in church: neither of my parents have ever had to take that risk. They dated for most of high school, married shortly after, and they went, together, around the country and continent while my dad attended school. Never have they been without the other. How could my mother possibly understand what I am going through with these struggles? She has never been alone in the way that scares me shitless. And I felt like such a massive black sheep.

Oh well, here's hoping the pre-birthday week is a good one. I wonder if anything will actually get organized for this weekend. That would be a minor miracle I think.

LotP: "I'm at the water's edge and I'm veering closer"
1997, Water's Edge

A blog to waste time

2008-02-29T19:53:00.002-06:00

I didn't work today. That was nice. I slept in, I took a long shower, I wrote a cool guitar part, and I played too many videogames. Tomorrow I fully intend to do largely the same thing, perhaps with laundry in there too... if I work up the motivation to actually do something useful/important/whatever. Now I am sitting and wasting time until the Bean opens so I can hopefully see some cool people and have some fun times doing things. Just things, not important or productive things.

In approximately one week (8 days-ish) I will turn 23. It is strange, because when you are a kid and pretending, you never pick 23 as the age you want to be. "I am a knight, and I am 20, and I am really good with a sword... and I have a black horse. His name is Mortimer. Mine shall be Sean. En Garde!" It is just one of those transitional ages on the way to one's that matter. No new illicit products can be purchased. No new rights are acquired. You just are officially a year older. I hope I get a rocket ship. More honestly, I hope to get some things to help make records on my computer. Because I have enough songs that I am beginning to forget the older ones. And recording seems and interesting new way to develop my musical skills.

Sorta turning back to the whole birthday thing, I am beginning to examine my life a bit. Have I done the things I wanted to do? Am I progressing and growing and a person? Am I contributing to the Kingdom at all? I don't really know at this point. I am not sure if I am any closer to achieving the things I have been striving for. Sometimes it feels like yes, and sometimes it feels like no. And I am the worst reader of signs/signal/etc ever, so it could be anything.

All in all, I am pretty pleased with life right now. This is rather surprising considering all the things that I find dissatisfying and discouraging with my current existence. Maybe it is the warming weather. Maybe God is injecting me with positivity and faith and hope. Maybe things are better than they seem, and I have some 6th sense for it. But I have great friends, I have enough money, I am getting some inklings of what I want to pursue professionally, and on off days I can always play some guitar and let the negativity melt away. Whatever the case, things are Ok, and seem to be getting better, even if only in an internal and inexplicable way.

I learned to play Casimir Pulaski Day. It is really easy. But there are lots of words to remember. Thats Ok, its something to work on.

LotP:" And he takes and he takes and he takes"
Sufjan Stevens, Casimir Pulaski Day.

Suuuuuun shine iiiiin

2008-02-28T15:21:00.003-06:00

It is sunny and almost balmily warm outside. This is a good thing. Go away snow, be gone, vamouse, scram. Bring on spring.

Yesterday I randomly had "Tears in Heaven" stuck in my head, and it made me sad for certain people's situations. Then "Put on a Happy Face" popped into my head, and I kinda laughed and enjoyed the morning sun further.

I was walking from my car to class today, and I was almost to warm with my thick coat and knit hat on. I smiled pretty widely. I don't know what it is, but this fairly minor warmup (well, arguably it is close to a 60 degree warmup compaired to the last few weeks of nearly -20 weather) has bolstered my spirits. Sure, my problems exists, but I am accepting that and dealing with it and continuing to hope and pray and so forth rather than mope.

I think, once I get some recording equiptment, I would like to make an album of covers, and mess the songs up something fierce. Electronic drum loops, wide swaths of reverby and delay laden guitars. Maybe some staticy vocals. Should be neat. If it actually happens.

I need a shower. Cuz my hair is gross. But I also work till late and I want to see people tonight if possible. Herein lays the delema. Show up in public with a nasty coif of locks, or miss people because my showers always take a while... cuz showers ar awesome.

Well, I should probably go be more workmanly and stand around waiting for the boys to get back from school. That would be productive (note: to be read with extreme sarcasm). Then again, this has been a pretty good week at work. So yay for that finally happening.

LotP: "All the glory that the Lord has made and the complications you could do without, when I kissed you on the mouth."
Sufjan Stevens, Casimir Pulaski Day.

I blog often

2008-02-26T15:31:00.002-06:00

*raises arms in victory* I just read the ten day forcast. They are predicting 40 degrees for the weekend. You have no idea how pumped I am about that.

This morning on the way back from the morning shift it was wonderfully sunny and bright. Things were melting, the trees were starting to look almost green as in early spring, perhaps because of trick of the eye and the brain. The sun shone almost too bright off of puddles and sheets of wet ice. It was glorious and for the first time in many weeks, the world looked beautiful. And it made me very happy for an extended moment.

I was showering (see my last post) and thinking about things. Mostly love and relationships. It occured to me that even if people aren't "dating" they are still building relationships with each other. We get to know people. On certain levels we are in relationships with everyone. I guess the kicker is the level at which we are willing to commit to and open our selves up to the individuals we have relationships with. From that I thought about love. Knowing the greek seperations of love into agape/eros/other one I never remember, it still strikes me that saying you love someone is a big deal. Shouldn't we be showing love to everyone? Or at least trying to? I guess, just like the relationship thing, it becomes a big deal with sibling-like caring and friendship are fostered and grow into something deeper and more committed. Deep shite to be considering in the shower... maybe I should shower all the time and be a philosopher. Except I am saying things everyone already knows, they just sort of struck me at the right time.

Some time I should do some random explinations of some of my song lyrics. That would be fun. This is mostly spurred on by Nick's comment. It made me think about what I really mean with my lyrics, and made me wonder if people "get" them completely. Perhaps I will do that soon.

This week has been a good one so far. And it is only Tuesday! Lets hope that continues. And stuff.

This summer I read the five (four?) love languages. Its a book about how people feel and experience love, most specifically in romantic relationships, but I think it can be extrapilated into the rest of life. It has occured to me of late that I am definately a quality time person. I could never recieve a gift in my entire life, but if someone makes an effort to spend time with me, I feel loved/valued/etc. That is probably why I get irritated when stuff is going on and no one bothers to call me. Which isn't that huge a deal, because usually I call and find out what fun things are happening and have a grand ole time. That is another thing that struck me randomly in the last little while.

Well, I should really be working not sitting behind this computer.

LotP: And frozen eyes are bound to melt.
Silverchair, Luv your life.

Monday, monday

2008-02-25T18:48:00.004-06:00

Today I almost had to get up kinda early and drive for close to an hour (total, there and back) to sit through about an hour and a half's worth of meeting. Thankfully the weather was shitty, so I didn't have to go.

My tummy feels funny. The mild overcast-ness and swirling wings put a bit of a damper on my weekend contentedness. Not a huge damper, mind you. Just enough to let the worries sink back into my brain.

Sometimes I just wanna scream "give me an answer" so I can either role with it or go be pissed off and recover from it and move on. But I never do. What would that solve besides increasing the amount of pressure and stress? Or maybe I just don't want to hear the answer that the pessimist in me expects to hear.

I like running into people in the bean when I only expect to sit alone and stew with my thoughts. It usually keeps me more positive, and being alone is boring anyhow.

I had chili at my sister's house. My dad asked how things were and I smiled and told him "exhausting". Its true. Life, especially work, has been absolutely draining the last week or two. I really hope that changes. Maybe I need to change it myself.

I want to quit my job and go camping. And then come back and do something that doesn't suck the life out of me week after week. That might be a good initial plan for my life. Or maybe I should move to Madagascar and be a missionary to lemurs.

After noticing how often I start my blogging paragraphs with "I", I wonder if I should blog more about the concerns of others. How my friends and loved ones are in various ways sick, tense, overwhelmed, in pain, etc. Because its true. On the other hand, 90% of the point of my blogs are to dump my feelings with hopes of feeling better about things afterwards. So, maybe my somewhat self-centered format is the right one for now.

I am gonna go shower, and probably think, now.

LotP: "When everyones a stranger they call for you by your first name, and laugh at jokes you once made when you were a kid."
The Dissociatives, Somewhere Down The Barrel

Het is Zondag

2008-02-24T13:44:00.002-06:00

We have arrived at Sunday. This weekend was interesting. Work has taken its toll, as has not sleeping enough, and I am pretty well exhausted. On the other hand, the few social things I did during the weekend were very laid back and relaxed. Pretty much just hanging out in the Bean. And I think that was a good thing. If I would have had some crazy, party-filled weekend, I think I would be way too drained. But boy am I looking forward to not having work tomorrow. And the long-ish weekend that follows the few days of work I do have. I just need some time to recoup. It is weird, because last weekend was unexpectedly intense. And I never really got a good breather once the week started, even with my days off.

I like cooking. I enjoy making food, creating flavors, enjoying the finished product. I just can't be bothered to really do a good job of it during the week, what with all the other stuff I usually have to do. I made pizza from scratch last night at work, and that was very satisfying. I should really cook more often and eat a little healthier.

I think I could probably sleep for a week straight if I didn't have other things to do. And other things I WANT to spend my time doing. Sleep is pretty awesome, though I do often struggle to turn the brain off and settle in for the night. I think I want to make sure I don't miss anything, and because of that I am still up at 2am, when the rest of the world seems to have stopped.

I have taken up actually doing devotions regularly. Reading my Bible, praying about a variety of things. My relationship with God had really been suffering I think, perhaps because of my struggle to find time to spend with him among all the other things going on. It has been refreshing, invigoration even. I still find it way to easy to sleep rather than go to church, so my time management still needs improving. But one step at a time, right?

I am hoping this week, what with its rather warm forecast and slightly less intense work schedule, will be a nice time to refocus. The last while has been so all over the place, emotionally and just in general experience. Is it sad that I just want a laid back, chill, bland even, week for this one? Maybe life/God/other people will realize what I really need right now and it will present itself. That seems to be what happened this weekend at least. And it was good.

LotP: All of this time on my hands so far has gone to feeding my animals.
The Dissociatives, Horror With Eyeballs.

mutter, blink, goan, blink... nope I really do have to awaken

2008-02-23T12:57:00.003-06:00

I don't much want to go to work today. At least I got to sleep in though. As usual I got distracted and, despite leaving the Bean in pretty good time, ended up staying up a while longer.

I tag teamed with Kris yesterday at work and made home made pizza for the boys. Chicken, pepperoni, onions, cheese. It was pretty dang good. I wish we would have had some more fresh produce though: peppers, red onion, tomatoes, maybe some spinach in little shreds. Yup, that woulda been even better.

As much as I thought I wanted a big night full of lots of people and perhaps some drinks as I drove home from work last night, I ended up chilling in the Bean with only two (mind you two very neat) people. I think it was probably much more satisfying than getting pissed with a bunch of people. It was relaxed and relaxing, and generally rather joyful and fun. Good stuff.

I have been having the urge to record some music. Sadly, I can't because I have no recording gear. And the point is to have a fun recording experiment, not just recording for posterity or whatever the heck. So hopefully I get some gear for my birthday... or some money... or something. For now I will play some of my songs on my very down tuned guitar, and see how it sounds.

There is other stuff going on in life too, but considering how much I already ranted about it, and how much better I am feeling in general, I am sticking with this.

LotP: "Can't get you out of my mind"
Lord God Bird, Too close to the ocean.

humdingers and skullduggery

2008-02-22T01:04:00.003-06:00

This afternoon on (mostly during and after class today) I was in an good mood. For absolutely no reason. I just sorta was happy, not content and certainly not free of my concerns, or even thoughts about my concerns. But, I was generally just pleased. Maybe it was the sunshine. Maybe it was the very slight warm up in the weather. Or maybe, as Mel wisely suggested, God decided I needed a good day. I think she is on to something. And hopefully the good days continue, or this weekend will be very long.

I made a joking offer to join someone at their place of employment. They pretty much asked when I could start. That got the wheels turning, and I nearly said "tomorrow". But I need to let this stew a bit before I commit to a different job. I really really wanted to say "sign me up" though. Maybe that is a sign, and indicator. Getting the job I have now on a whim because of my financial situation was probably an unwise choice. I justified it eventually, but it may be coming back to bite me considering my current attitude to my work. It seems like a job where one sits around and waits to burn out, and then moves on. And I have been on the edge of flaming up spectacularly on many occasions.

This summer is starting to be questioned. By me, my parents, others. What the heck am I going to do come summer? I have had many random and occasionally outlandish plans. But nothing so far. Too much depends on outside factors. Too much in my life is so undecided. I would love if I could find a way to work in a recording studio or something, maybe away from Iowa, and just chill and do music for a few months. That would be neat. Not really "progress" but it would be neat.

I wish my phone had a way of telling me if a text message had been received and opened. That would be a handy function, kinda like email.

Phil was really nice and made very tasty salmon and asparagus and bread tonight. Granted, I owe him some money since we agreed to go halfsies, but it was delicious and I really liked having a relaxed meal at home, which is really rare. I should cook more often. But I so rarely have the time and motivation and energy.

Apparently the plumbers came and fixed out shower, and I need one very badly. So I am going to go ahead and take one before it gets debilitating late.

LotP: "Take it all on yourself... there's a consequence to these accidents."
Evaline, Where The Fearless Hide.

Who invented cold, and why are they so mean?

2008-02-20T07:21:00.005-06:00

When I came to work it was -17 degrees. That is not awesome. My car was not impressed either, and neither started nor turned nor shifted smoothly. And it took forever to warm up properly. I was rather irritated. Winter is starting to get to me. I know other people have been feeling that for most of the season. I have had my moments of irritation with the cold, but now I find myself weary of the season. I am very ready for spring to come.

edits and additions:
While driving to work I realized there is less than 10 days left in February. And then I realized it was almost March and still rediculously cold. That sorta made me sad. But I suppose that also means spring isn't so far off neccessarily. So huzzah for that. I kept driving and thinking and remembered how nice it was to go to work in a teeshirt. I am very ready for spring to arrive and melt snow, ice, and our jaded selves.

Our shower isn't working properly. Apparently we get basement flooding when too much water is run. Phil was going to call the plumbers. That was a good idea, to me. But it definately inturrupted my plans to have a nice soothing shower before work. I think best in the shower. Not just most smoothly, or most clearly, but I think most correctly as well. I wonder why that is. Suffice to say, I missed the opportunity to stand in the nice warm water and think well.

I got interrupted and not I don't remember what else I was going to write about. Perhaps I will do another edit later on.

Final addition:
I stepped outside for a moment after supper and got to watch the sun set. Spring must at least be slightly on its way, and that gave me some hope.

LotP: "Hey, don't use the term accomidation"
Silverchair, Insomnia

Timing is everything and mine is terrible

2008-02-19T02:40:00.003-06:00

So I am much less in a funk this evening/night/right now. I understand the basics of where she is coming from... I guess I wish the timing was different, and it could just happen. But for now, we wait.

My boss made some comment this morning about significant others and I had to suppress the urge to punch her right in the nose. That would have been a bad call, in the end. But it was a bit of an exposed nerve at the time.

When it comes to things like this I wonder whether I should stop trying to make things happen, and trust in God, and let things happen. Because as much as trying to make things happen has been good for my willingness to take risks, it hasn't "worked". Or maybe it has and there is a delay. Fuck if I know.

Fuck if I know is probably going to be my phrase of the week. Just a preemptive warning.

Work was weird today. As much as it was no better than usual, it provided a welcome distraction that kept me from sinking too deep into a funk, and let me really think things through and realize things are probably where they should be for now, even if I don't particularly want it to be that way. It is always strange when you tell yourself something you don't want to hear.

I think that might be all for now. I will now fiddle with my guitar a little and go to bed.

no lyric. i don't really want to find one that applies.

groan winter needs to go away

2008-02-18T12:41:00.005-06:00

I am drained. Unexpected night time conversations have made me emotionally exhausted. I hate conversations where you just want to ask the same questions you started with and hope for more appealing answers.

I am really struggling to understand. Her, God, the situation. It is hard to understand what is so hard about this next step. Despite the amount of times I have been told why. It is hard for me to understand why something that I have been so convinced is a good thing, a gift from God, something I am next to sure is right, is having such trouble getting off the ground.

This may be a post where I divulge stuff. But probably not. Since it really wouldn't help anything to explain things to my readers, and it may hurt things.

I just want this to work out for once. I recall posting that before. It hurts incredibly to have to post it again. Especially in what, in my eyes, is something that should obviously happen. I keep trying to think of a way to get things to go how I want them to, and realizing I am pretty much helpless. That is terrifying. I haven't cared this much about something potentially ever.

My insides hurt. I have been on the edge of tears at random times. It is strange, because nothing in our status really moved one way or the other. It was just revealed that things were much more uncertain than I thought, and not going as well as it felt like they were. Which hurts because I was starting to hope, if not expect.

I keep getting the urge to talk to her. But what more would I say? Could I really just rehash everything from last night and expect deferent answers? I suspect not.

In the end, I am tired, deflated, frustrated, and perpetually confused. And despite all that I am in no way willing to give up on her. I hope she isn't giving up either.

Funny that a conversation that starts with "I don't want to hurt you" could hurt so much. I don't know why this one was painful. Maybe the degree to which I spilled it and the sorts of things being "put out there" were too much right now. I don't know.

God... I don't know... I just want to know... I just want it to work... I don't want to go through that pain again... please?
Such has been my prayer. Absolutely selfish, but I can't think straight right now.

Again I will say, I don't know why this was so painful. Maybe it was just jarring to hear things so plainly. Maybe it was because I had my hopes up. It was a good talk... I feel like it may have been important to say many of the things that were said. I just wish it would have had different goals and outcomes.

I am going to stop before I say something hurtful, or unwise, or super lame.

LotP: "Six out of ten, better luck next time."
Bloc Party, Helicopters

I think Cursive must use a lot of ring modulator

2008-02-17T01:12:00.004-06:00

Last night was good. I slept surprisingly well on a love seat that didn't accommodate my body at all. Besides not wanting to move, and ending up pretty sore. But waking up was nice. As was the extended conversations. And the note from "papa beer". It was good.

I left a bottle of wine at Alvin's. I should pick that up. Except that I still have a bottle of wine at home too.

Despite how good last night was, tonight ended with very unsettled feelings. Not really sure why. I probably just suffer from a mind that keeps on running when it shouldn't. It would be easier to fix if all my other stuff was fixed too.

I wanted to (edited for content). Not sure if that should be shared. Probably not. I really wanted to tell. It seems to just sit in my chest now.

Hugs are awesome. Slightly drunken hugs, even better. I love the feeling of being held tightly and close. It doesn't really matter who, I always like a good hug. Granted I do like hugs from certain people better, but I think I like all hugs. They are a good thing. Whoever invented them should get a high five, and a great big hug.

I don't think praying is a matter of praying "hard" enough. Probably not even often enough. God knows all the things I pray before I even think to pray about them. I am praying pretty hard lately though. *sigh*

Sometimes I still wonder to what degree I am mentally stable. Not that I think I could just go off and kill someone at any moment. But I go through such weird mood swings, seemingly on a dime at times. Sitting in Phil's car on the way back from Walmart, I couldn't help but be totally focused on my situation. That wording makes it sound like I am dying or something, it seems kinda presumptuous. I wanted so badly to just cry over it, to drain the negative, to let it out. Nothing came of it. I hit a dry spot with my guitar playing, and now the emotions are just getting piled up, unreleased. Both the good and the bad. But the bad seems to sit on top of the good, to be the only things visible, like a skin of thick oil on a beautiful ocean. It clings and seeps, and prevents me from seeing into the depths of what is there.

We played telephone during the downtime between TX and Comedy League. It was surprisingly fun. Though I should have guessed, with Walhof generating the sayings.

Is it weird that I find vulnerability attractive, to a degree?

LotP:"Baby I'm telling the truth."
Ella Minnow, Princess